Board Thread:Off Topic/@comment-26397825-20161205132101/@comment-24993958-20170131210913

Ok, work done; now I can properly sit and review this.

Kirito, your oc is a mess for multiple reasons...figured I might as well get this out of the way so you know what to expect.

Reason 1: Good and bad details in back-story To summarize what you did wrong I am going to give an example:

Example 1 :“I once saw a kid and thought they looked like a bunny.”

Now on first inspection, you may be wondering what I mean by that. Does he act like one? Wear rabbit ears? Have fucked up teeth? Obviously, you need more details.

Example 2 :“A kid I knew in grade school tripped and lost some of his teeth, and when I looked at his face I thought he looked like a bunny.”

This ^, is an example of good details. It removes the ambiguity that the first sentence has in order to better inform someone that was not present at the event.

Example 3 :“It was a Tuesday as I walked to class, walking faster then usual because I was about to be tardy, but not too fast because I was lazy. When I entered class i exclaimed “Bunny!” in my mind as I saw my classmate.”

This ^, is just a colossal waste of time, but more importantly an example of bad details. It still leaves someone as confused as if they read the first sentence, except it took them longer to read.

Whenever I tell you, or anyone really, to give more details, I know I don’t specify relevant details, but I figured that should go without saying...here let me further demonstrate:

Example 4 :“After checking Sean’s health and dismissing his thanks by simply saying ‘We Faunus look out for each other’, the girl introduced herself as Jean and helped carry Sean to his home. There, they were greeted by Sean’s parents. Their anger was almost as big as their concern, but ultimately, both tended to Sean’s wounds while making small talk with Jean. Their meeting ended with Jean and Sean planning the next time they’d meet. “

There. I said the same thing in 42 words what took you 555.

Reason 2: Tread carefully when comparing an oc to canon

That is a frequent warning I give to anyone making oc’s. Let’s be clear that as far as oc’s go, we are always, ALWAYS, barging in on someone else’s universe. I don’t think we have a right as lazy people that can’t be asked to make our own universes, to elevate our self insert fantasies into rwby by randomly name dropping canon characters.

He eventually became “what Jean would refer to as ‘Signal’s Gender-Bent Pyrrha Nikos’”?…really?...really?...REALLY?!

Where do I even begin with this:

a. How did he manage to be a loner with Jean being his childhood friend and familiar with his attitude to make that claim? If anything Sean should have latched on to Jean the same way Pyrrha did to Jaune

b. Pyrrha was not publically know or viewed as a loner. She was publically known and viewed as a multi tournament wining, untouchable prodigy. Graduating with honors is NOT enough to make the comparison work.

c. She was no incessantly ridiculed. She was praised and internationally famous, both stuff your oc was not.

This sentence was groan worthy enough if Jean say it in a joking matter, but no, you meant it for real in a display of arrogance and lack of respect that fills me with unbridled despair, and the fact you fucked up the reference as a self admitted fan of Pyrrha is just making me want to bang my head against a wall repeatedly.

3. Breaking suspension of disbelief 

Linking real life songs…wow talk about taking me out of a story…Dude, Remnant is a fictional universe, with fictional history, fictional rules and fictional people, that subtly reference our world through colorful use of names and on the nose references…you know what hurts and prevents me from being absorbed in the universe? REAL. LIFE. SONGS. That remind me of the real world.

Other way to break my suspension of disbelief…Jesus Christ I’m still not done with this…include calling your character “one of beacons Fallen Angels”. Angels have not been established to be a thing in RWBY, but they are a thing in real life.

This KILLS any way I can brush off any biblical references you put in the backstory because it just reminds me how much your character doesn’t exist. That kind of title, as of right now, has absolutely NO meaning within the established canon, calling him Beacon’s Fallen Hunters would have made more sense and had been equally as out of place because, guess what, he’s done NOTHING to earn this kind of nickname.

He didn’t betray beacon, disagree with its views till the point he went the opposite way, felt oppressed by the rules and wanted his own place to call home, etc. etc. He’s literally a loyal angel in terms of history, personality and actions…oh I’m sorry, he was discriminated against…that should be enough to make the connection between your oc and a fallen angel...right? I mean I can say my oc is inspired by cowboys if he uses a revolver but dresses like a mongol…right?...wrong.

Okay…there are other stuff I can nitpick but I’d rather keep this as focused as possible. Kirito, you seriously need to learn to pay more respect to this show. When you make an OC in someone else's universe, that OC needs to humbly reflect the ideal way one visits someone else's house, that is to say show appreciation to them by letting you in, follow their house rules as best as possible and most importantly, don’t claim their stuff is yours to do as you please.