Board Thread:General Discussion/@comment-30159794-20161115081536/@comment-26397825-20161115090050

I like non-rhyming poetry, and I think this poem has an interesting message behind it about his state of mind after the death of their mother, but I think that a song should rhyme. The verses don't seem to follow a set beat either, instead changing how many syllables are in each line with each verse. While this can work in some cases, a slower song (like what the tone of this seems to suggest) usually contains a set number of beats per line: so each verse would be 5,6,5,4 in terms of syllables (just as an example).

Basically my suggestions are, if it's a slower song, make the lines rhyme (whether it follows an AABB pattern, or an ABCB pattern is up to you) and make each verse follows a set beat (make the lines have the same number of syllables between verses), with the chorus switching this up.

A bridge is not necessary, but they are usually either more upbeat or more somber than the rest of the song, and I think and upbeat bridge could do this one good by singing about his pride in the girls for how they've grown. You have sort of provided a bridge with the parenthesis lines, but to me they seem more like a secondary or alternate chorus.