Board Thread:Off Topic/@comment-25396609-20171201175923/@comment-25396609-20171220020447

Sentry 616 wrote: Quoting so people can easily find the post.

First up, Sentry 616 with Kolesnitsa Ussuri Core Info 1)Basic Info

The choice of a Russian name when you could have gone with a Hebrew one bothers me; seems like you picked it because of the Faunus type, and the first name is just a different language version of the name of the vehicle you based her on. I’m docking points because it is equal parts confusing and lazy. Everything else checks out, however. 8/10 2)Appearance:

I… really feel like you should’ve just gone with a male character. The combination of thick body hair, larger overall build, and even the more masculine name/nickname. If you wanted body hair, you could’ve just made a big burly dude and either not needed the faunus trait at all or given them something that’s visible enough for the animal surname to make sense. The outfit is basic and generic, and you do not describe the scarf at all. 10/20

3)Characteristics: First off, your formatting is all shot to hell so you’ll be losing a point for that. You do not give NEARLY enough information about the family or why they are the first ones to step in when somebody is doing shady shit. There’s typos all over the shop to boot.

So she decided to learn how to fight… because she wanted to be able to efficiently hurt people. Further lack of any real depth or information; you gloss over any details about the teammates (not even a name) or her family members, and even who gave her her basic combat training to get her to a level she’d be accepted to- I assume Beacon? You don’t actually say which school but you mention the Fall of Beacon.

You mention a large circle of friends but she has zero redeeming qualities that would lead me to believe she could befriend people, she seems like the type that even her teammates would BARELY tolerate on the best of days. Like, this character reads as incredibly petty and excessively violent to the point of being borderline sociopathic; but without any kind of charisma to compensate or hide it.

Yup, so trigger happy she started shooting her friends because she wasn’t paying attention. This reads like a half-assed first draft from beginning to end, even the personality and likes/dislikes. Her apparently liking to hug people clashes violently with the rest of her… everything.

I’d normally be fine with including your own combat schools and such, but you provide ZERO details on Convoy and, it’s not even a combat school. It’s a straight-up AU thing and, again, not enough details to give any idea of what it actually is

The whole thing reads like the half-baked prototype of a rough draft. 5/30

4)Trivia No points here as it doesn’t tell me anything useful, and it doesn’t even give details on how/why she gets along with the teacher. 0/5 Hunter Extension Weapon

I do not count pulling one part off of a weapon and having that transform as a proper RWBY weapon; if it’s gonna split up, have the whole thing transform into separate pieces otherwise you lose one part of it and are totally defenseless. You would’ve been MUCH better off going with a club-type weapon, such as a Kanabo as the shape and bulk of the Arash is highly compatible with weapons of that variety.

(side note, the barrel of the particular rifle is already pretty much ideal length and diameter for a quarterstaff without telescoping)

A 20x102mm round, in a 20 round magazine, would be several feet long; and she is carrying NUMEROUS magazines on her person. Probably a couple hundred pounds of the stuff.

Carrying a second, also non-transforming weapon along with a large amount of ammo (in a type of magazine which is notoriously unreliable) and grenades for it, on top of the MOUNTAIN of ammo for the heavy rifle, is simply absurd. This isn’t Halo, Sentry. 5/15

B)Semblance

Lazy and predictable; tank girl summons part of a tank. Seriously leaning too hard on the allusion, man. IDK if you’re trying too hard or not hard enough on this thing. 5/15

C)Combat Info Eh, functional enough. 5/5 Total: 38/100