Board Thread:Off Topic/@comment-25396609-20180128214516/@comment-25396609-20180220183222

First up is Shiyilang with Lily Wasure-Nagusa

1) Basic info:

Name checks out, though it’s pretty awkward as a result of splitting the surname between her parents.

Emblem works, but it’s a bit hard to picture.

Good, minor tie-in to Futaba with the use of her code name as a nickname.

10/10

2) Appearance:

Too little detail in outfit, the picture provided sadly doesn’t help me get a good idea what she looks like due to minimal information in the description of her appearance; though bonus points for at least putting the effort in.

15/20

3) Characteristics:

Outline instead of backstory is going to cost you some points, but at least it’s broken up enough to be readable.

So were Tsubaki and Ajisai in the pre-Sienna White Fang? Or just unaligned activists?

Near the Atlesian capital… in other words near the city/kingdom Atlas? Or do you mean the capital building? Bit vague/confusing.

Generic orphanage, but at least the person in charge isn’t a complete bastard. No grandparents? No aunts or uncles? Details on why she would be sent to an orphanage instead of being sent to live with extended family would be nice.

Wait… a five year old took apart and re-built a computer? I call shenanigans.

I’m trying to figure out what possible logical path would lead from “can take a computer apart” to “adopted by rich person and raised as a cyber warfare expert” and coming up blank. I think the reason you couldn’t get the backstory to work is that you were getting too ambitious. Also, why would a metalworking company want a human cyber weapon to begin with?

Aaaaand now he’s actively abusive. Because of course he is.

Isn’t Atlas the most advanced of the four kingdoms? Why wouldn’t she go straight to the police or military for help? She’s definitely smart enough to know they could help, and she would without a doubt have signs of being heavily abused. All it would take is to walk up to a police officer, tell them she needs help; quick background check shows she was adopted by that Vester guy, she tells them he’s the one who beat the shit out of her, and he’s behind bars within a few days.

Fun fact (or not so fun fact) taking in a minor without legal guardianship or parental permission legally qualifies as kidnapping. Unless Fallow was an absolute idiot he would call the police and let them know he’d found an abused child who needed medical care.

Okay, no, considering how the CCT works she wouldn’t be able to hack it so easily, especially not to alter government records IN THE COUNTRY THAT LITERALLY INVENTED THE INTERNET. Remember, it took a highly specialized computer virus planted directly in the main tower to be able to do much of anything to the system. The cyber security around the Atlesian government (which is one and the same as the military, I would like to point out) is going to be years beyond anything a child could manage no matter how skilled.

Rest of the backstory crumbles under scrutiny, and is too close to the source character. Not enough for me to gripe about overloading Lily with tie-ins to it like some characters, but still enough to impact your score in a negative way.

The CCT in RWBY isn’t like the internet in our world, where it’s distributed across countless servers spread across the globe in an elaborate interconnected web. It’s centralized to four main towers with relays to extend the signal range. She might be able to hack into connected devices, but considering the way things are routed more directly into the hubs rather than through a series of relay points it would be incredibly difficult to remain invisible or hide your trail; especially, as previously noted, in Atlas; the kingdom which built and most likely maintains/oversees the entire system.

Personality:

If she never leaves the house how in the hell is she getting her hands on Atlesian Knights? Pretty sure people would notice if they suddenly went missing or if a bunch of them were being delivered to some random dude’s house never to be seen again.

Honestly I would expect the physical and emotional abuse she was subjected to as a result of her computer skills to cause her to stop using electronics altogether.

15/30

3) Trivia: Relationships have potential but lack of backstory details seriously hurts their effectiveness.

Trivia doesn’t give much useful information,

5) Gadgets

She never leaves the house, having items like these in her possession makes zero sense because she would never use them, and it would be difficult to acquire components for them without raising some major red flags.

Again calling shenanigans on her being able to avoid the cybersecurity of the Atlesian government, in the time it would take for her to develop countermeasures they would have already found her due to the highly restricted nature of the CCT.

Neat concepts, poor execution and lack of logic behind her having them to begin with.

5/15

I) Civillian extension Extra details does not mean her entire daily schedule. No change to score.

Final score: 45/100