Board Thread:Off Topic/@comment-26397825-20170101235836/@comment-30530552-20170117234259

SpiritedDreaming wrote: Next up, PisceanWaterBender with Alani Teigra. 1) Basic Info - 9 points

Claw marks on each end of what? Or do you mean 4 claw marks that start off parallel, only to split into pairs and converge at the top to make a heart? Or just 4 claw marks arranged in pairs to make a heart? And I hope to see an explanation for that nickname later.

'Arranged in pairs, and the pairs converge at one point near the center. I probably should've cleared that up a bit. It doesn't form a fully closed heart but it's close...I'd post a picture but I'm a shitty drawer and my devices take even worse pictures.'

2) Appearance - 19 points No pockets or pouches for holding gear such as her scroll? No belt for hanging stuff off, such as her weapons?

'I was under the presumption that leather jackets had pockets. Ah well. Admittedly I'm horrid at designign outfits.'

3) Characteristics - 23 points

The backstory sounds like a pretty grim but not unrealistic story of Faunus being mistreated by SDC factories.

Deathstalkers in the desert? I’m actually a bit disappointed that you didn’t create something, but Deathstalkers work since scorpions are desert creatures.

Not exactly sure what else I should've done there...either way.

What does MRDA stand for? Because I’m reading it as murder...which is not good. ''Ah, I see it’s in the notes. All good. ^.^''

'''HA! That comment made my otherwise horrid, sickness-filled day. Thanks!'''

What is her calling? What does she do, how does she do it? You left the end of the backstory very vague, so I’m a bit confused. Does she just wander the deserts of Vacuo looking for natural resources like fresh water?

I left it off with a metaphor...but yes, I guess that IS something she'd do for her charity work.

No idea what Corazon means, though I know enough other languages to know de Leon means ‘the Lion’. No mention of how she got it or what it means though.

'@Someone said it: "Heart of the Lion", basically saying she's fierce and brave. I chose it for both rhyming and associative [big cat & another big cat] purposes.'

I’d argue that she’s been exposed to the racism Faunus face, just not through the usual channels. She has first hand experience on how the racist SDC treats its Faunus workers and how that affects their personal lives.

Fair point, but she'd have to go off other people's word, because she never actually saw the factories herself, albeit she probably would hear it from Wortel.

You mention that she’s got the right personality to lead in her backstory, but I’m not really seeing how she’s any better than anyone else who might be picked to be a leader. I’d even go so far as to argue that her stubbornness, risk-taking, and attitude towards those she doesn’t agree with actually reduce her leadership qualities a bit.

'I probably should've said "Thought she was of the right personality," admittedly. I threw that in as a "Year of the Tiger" association, as they tend to be leaders and commanders while retaining an honest and harsh viewpoint on life.'

4) Trivia - 3 points

Didn’t Taronja take it upon himself to care for their mother? Did he drop that and leave it for their father? Or does he act as a visiting nurse rather than a live in nurse?

Never really thought of that...probably visiting, now that you bring it up.

She gets her missions directly from the Council of Vacuo instead of from the standard mission boards every freelance Huntsman gets them from? Why? And the charity work is mentioned, but not explained in the backstory sufficiently.

'Forgot about the Mission Boards entirely, actually. As @Sentry said, their Council probably wouldn't even really give orders, though if they do, they wouldn't do it for just anyone...so, fair point.'

5) Weapons - 14 points Huh. Functional weapon, if simplistic. Maybe she should get some dust added to the blades though, so she has some more ranged ability without a gun mode.

'Maybe, but she likes melee. Also, for clarification, the Secondary Form is not dual-bladed on one end, it's more like a "polearm" [which I only found the name of after le competition closed.]'

5) Semblance - 5 points

That….just sounds like a standard tailwind that you generate when moving at high speeds, I’m sorry. Ruby did it as a side effect of her semblance, which is just speed. Cars make it when they travel at speed. You would have been better off making a variant speed semblance and making the wind tunnel aspect a byproduct that she takes advantage of.

That being said, as far as semblances go, it’s not too bad. It’s not OP or anything. So I’m giving you points for how well you’ve balanced it, but taking points because it’s a natural byproduct of pretty much everything that travels at speed.

'That's fair to say. Alani's does Aura damage and can be [moderately] controlled though, something we can't exactly say with Ruby when she first showcased the ability. Either way, I went for a different concept of speed without the pwoer being the actual speed itself.'

7) Combat Info - 3 points

Er...well, fair enough on the landing strategy. Though she mustn’t have been falling from very high up in the second scenario, as hitting the pavement at speed would have seriously damaged her aura (possibly even broken it alongside her ankles/legs) and left her rolling around in pain. We’ve not seen anything that suggests Faunus are actually faster than humans for any reason beyond training and semblance.

'It's been long speculated that Faunus possess those abilities, but I admit that there's no official confirmation. As for the 2nd scenario, yeah. The way I imagined it was that she leapt off a multi-story building [maybe 5 or so] and landed. We've seen Ruby do that with no problems at all from what seemed like an even greater distance, although her character's plot armor gives her a pretty durable Aura [V4 Char Short].'

8) Day to Day Life - +1 points Ah, finally a bit more of an expansion on this charity. A name and why she decided that a charity was what she wanted to do or a proper ending for the backstory would have gotten you more points here.

Fair enough.

Total: 77 points

I just want to say congratulations on getting over 75 points on your first contest (and in fact only getting 9 points beneath current first place). That is a very good sign in terms of your ability to create characters. Keep improving and you'll be a strong contender in later contests. =)

Now, I've been judging for just over an hour and I need a break. I'll do some more tomorrow. Only 3 to go. Thanks for the input @Spirit. Had lots of fun creating this character, and hopefully I do better next time. As for the notes I placed, hopefully that clears things up a bit. Didn't expect to win [especially with someone that gets 86 points right off the bat, *cough cough* @Someone as it stands *cough cough*] but I'm happy to have scored OK. Cheers and good luck to everyone else, despite my otherwise sour mood from sickness! :D