Board Thread:Off Topic/@comment-25396609-20171201175923/@comment-25396609-20171220025524

You dissapoint me, man. All bark and no bite.

WC-83 wrote:

Next up, WC-83 with Esmeralda Inbar Core Info 1)Basic Info

Interesting choice of name but it works I guess, symbol is incredibly meh but the rest checks out. 9/10

2)Appearance:

Black and red triangle, but doesn’t actually describe the colors. Is it black outline with red interior? Red with black interior? Black to red color gradient? Redundancy on the arm, missing it should be in the physical traits along with the tattoo, and it shouldn’t be in physique. So… power armor? Because it sounds like power armor. Ah, just looked at the allusion. Leaning WAY too heavily on it. Should’ve gone with more typical plate armor with black and red pattern color scheme; or possibly modern combat armor with black and red camo. Helmet is just… ugh, if you want the red cyclops eye thing give her like a night vision scope or a hat with the red spot on it; this girl looks like she escaped from Halo or Warframe. Also leaning too hard on the religious aspect of the inspiration for my tastes. Allude to it, don’t copy + paste and do some editing. 15/20 3)Characteristics: Background:

Not enough information on the religion, or their god. I sorta see what you’re going for but due to lack of details it falls flat.

If they’re so technologically advanced, and she was able to build fully functional arm mounted lasers, why couldn’t her or someone from her village BUILD a proper prosthetic? I also feel like you’re not giving people who’ve lost a finger enough credit. One of my neighbors lost a finger in a chainsaw accident (middle finger I think?) while cutting a tree down and was back to work in just a couple of months.

Ooooh, the dark brother = the god of darkness. You were a bit vague on that. I’m also confused as to why they believe a god who would actively kill his own brother would bother trying to atone for it. The polar opposite fighting styles also don’t seem like a reason that Esmeralda and Raijin wouldn’t get along. Opposite fighting styles means they can cover each-other's weaknesses, after all. Uh… why did she clash with Narcissa, again?

Okay, hold up, I’m fine with a small village that is more technologically advanced but where the HELL did they get the resources to build a freaking mobile assault base? And what idiot decided to send a team of STUDENTS to deal with something like that instead of actual trained huntsmen. Freaking ATLAS, the kingdom of highly advanced tech, only has fairly basic mecha despite being MILES ahead of everyone else technologically; and they’ve been at it for a century. Four students and a single Huntsman vs a mobile fortress that even Atlas would be hard-pressed to manufacture despite having enormous resources (the airships likely only work because Dust allows them to make them fly without needing massive jet engines strapped all over them, and their mechanical units are actually fairly primitive compared to most fiction.)

Consider my suspension of disbelief broken at this point.

You really should have fleshed out her relationship with Narcissa in the actual backstory, because not having any actual knowledge of how it progressed really makes it feel like an afterthought. I don’t have that much else to say about personality, other than the last section being largely redundant due to the backstory. It works, more or less, but leaves something to be desired.

Proper likes and dislikes help flesh her out a bit, but a lot of it would fit better in personality or backstory.

15/30; you started pretty strong but there’s enough bumps in the road and a gradual downhill out of believability that really hurts the final product. 4)Trivia

Like Sentry, you’re leaning too heavily on the allusion rather than using it as the basic inspiration and working out the actual details from scratch. You don’t explain her relationship with Narcissa even though it is implied to be quite important, and Raijin is completely blank. 2/5 Hunter Extension Weapon:

Weapon I’m less worried about how close to the source it is, because it’s a weapon and those generally do translate fairly well; it’s basic and leaves her with no real melee assistance compared to, say, Ember Celica, My main complaint is that I’d be worried about burning her hand off because lasers strong enough to cause physical damage put out a LOT of thermal energy.

13/15 Semblance

I don’t think I should have to explain why semblance copying/stealing isn’t something I allow.

0/15

Total: 54/100

Strong effort but leaning too hard on the source seriously crippled you; as did the last-minute nature of the entry. This is a character I'd like to see have more time and work put into it rather than abandoning her after the contest.