Board Thread:Off Topic/@comment-24993958-20151020211700/@comment-24993958-20151026225246

JohnBloodhawk wrote:

Name: Vatra "Carbune" Van Fyyt ...Ok...so before I begin with the bad, let me say this.

I...can tell you put a lot of work into this...Backstory, despite going overboard near the end, offered a good avenue for an interesting character with a distinct personality, and his design is striking in details that show you put a lot of heart into him...and I appreciate that more than over half the characters I ever had to criticize...but you don’t expect free stuff from a salesman, and you shouldn’t expect a critic not to criticize...and there is a lot to criticize here...so without further ado...

1)Basic info:


 * in the future be more careful when you copy paste words with different letters from another language and pretend they aren’t there…cărbune is the romanian word for charcoal; carbune is saying “carry” and “good” together...that little hat matter, immensely, because ă is another letter different from a.


 * Grimm disintegrate on death…severed limbs and claws are no exception. That trophy belt needs to either use fake replica, actual bear claws, or be scrapped.

2)Appearance:
 * trim down on the outfit backstory. This section is so we get a general idea of how he looks. not why he looks; why is something you can use in characterization or additional notes;

3)Characterization 4)Weapon 5)Semblance 6)Combat info 7)Conclsusions
 * a couple more enters to separate paragraphs on the backstory please, it’s easy to lose track of what line I’m on when i have to go through about 50 uninterrupted lines.
 * I’m against him joining beacon at age 15. For one, Ozpin had visual proof Ruby knew her stuff, and had a long chat with her to determine how much she wanted to be a hunter. On a more personal reason I don’t appreciate OC’s that try and outdo canon characters; and you are basically making over half the canon cast look like a secondary character by having him do feats that actually surpass Ruby. Even if you don’t feel that way, please be aware your character will get called out as a Sue because of this fact.
 * personality is flat...completely...nicest nice guy to ever cross the nice planet unless you do something mean at which point he is the meanest mean guy to ever mess with a meanie...I’ve seen a salesmen with 10 seconds of screentime in the batman universe with more personality than that.
 * maestru de fiei, not fier maestru...adjectives go before nouns in romanian...
 * I...am not sure about the logistics of that weapon...ignoring the fact you are topping 2 characters at the same time, the voice command missiles of form 2 is landing this weapon straight into marvel territory…i’d scrap form 2 at the least;
 * as flat as his character...so it fits
 * heavy support my ass; no cc, no aggro, no damage mitigation or support skills; if he’s a heavy support then I’m the incarnation of death as a 21 century hippie.
 * he’s a sue...out prodigies canon prodigies, outweapons canon weapons, and I can’t even say anything about his personality cause there is nothing there...character get’s mad when bad stuff happens...no...really?
 * trim down the sections you aren’t using
 * trim down his op rate
 * trim down the extra words
 * basically trim him down and give him a real personality.