Board Thread:Off Topic/@comment-26397825-20170430155022/@comment-26397825-20170527112502

Next up, PisceanWaterBender with Basil Levi

1) Basic Info - 10 points

2) Appearance - 19 points

6’3” is not 1.75m. I am 5’10”, which is 179cm. 6’3” is 1.91m. I’m unsure of which height he is supposed to be. Luckily, the weight is a good one in that he still falls within the healthy range at either of those heights. So...much...brown...I joke. The outfit is fine.

3) Characteristics - 22 points

I’m confused. Are they poor or are they comfortable/middle class? How do you have monetary concerns while doing something productive, especially as trained Huntsmen? Taiyang had no issues raising two girls alone on his combat academy teacher wages, so I don’t think monetary concerns are a thing where Huntsmen with steady jobs are concerned.

Your ordering of the Vytal Festival information is disjointed and confusing, jumping between festivals multiple times and referencing both at once, making it hard to keep track of which festival you are talking about at times. Also...I feel like I just read a chapter of your fanfic. I’ve heard of going into detail, but I don’t think that telling me about his opponent’s laser shurikens in the 32nd Vytal Festival is really necessary, nor exactly what biomes he fought in in each round.

He’s a Huntsman...why is he studying and then going on to become a bartender when he can literally pick up any mission from the mission board, including simple delivery missions or bodyguard missions? Huntsmen are pretty comfortable on mission money since they’d get plenty of risk and danger pay; the bartending job is unnecessary as they could have simply grabbed a mission that ended somewhere close to where they intended to go.

His personality states that he dislikes being intoxicated...so why would he work in a place which generally ends with the bartender sipping everything at least once and enabling others to get drunk? The dislike of intoxication and his part time job do not mesh.

4) Trivia - 5 points

I have been touting Hanakotoba all over the wiki since RNJR reached their second village, so I am fairly certain they were consulting the wikipedia page on it for town names too.

I never thought I’d say this..but I think you gave too many details on name meanings and side character allusions. Yes, it’s nice to know how other character’s names allude to CNR but it’s really not necessary for the contest when it is this character who is being judged, not the other characters. You have entire paragraphs for each person where one or two sentences would be more than enough. Hell, even a “Sanskrit: Dark blue” in brackets just after their name in the relationship section would suffice. This is a case of simply Too Much Information that I have to slog through to get to the details relevant to the actual character himself.

5) Weapon - 3 points

I am confused on how the rifle can shoot the javelin head when it is then flipped around to be used as a rifle...meaning the firing mechanism shoots things away from the javelin head, not towards it, and therefore wouldn’t affect the head. And where does the rifle stock come from? Does the head fold out into the stock, allowing him to use it as a rifle without stabbing himself in the shoulder constantly? And where are all these extra parts being kept inside the pole?

You have an 18 inch rod, which has to contain the 7 ½ foot long extended staff, which also has to contain the javelin head, and then also has to contain the stock for the rifle, as well as having the firing mechanism. And where is the magazine for that matter? Are they loaded into a chamber inside the staff individually, which is another thing that has to be included on the inside of that small, 18 inch rod? This is a case of trying to do too much with not enough space.

The main reason why Pyrrha’s weapon works: it doesn’t become an 18 inch long cylinder. It’s two separate pieces connected by a grip that acts as a pivoting point; the barrel/staff is one piece and the blade/stock is another that don’t actually interact with one another. Kudos for trying something new, but you flubbed the execution.

6) Semblance - 5 points

It...is very limited and I’m confused what use it actually has. Can the hand be moved about the battlefield, or is it stationary and locked in place? What point is it when he throws his javelin if he can only place the hand where he has his own hand on the weapon? Why would it dissipate when the user grabs the object again, instead of remaining on the battlefield as a point of flanking the user can use against another enemy? How does the user get a mental image of what the hand is holding? You said further down that you thought it was OP, but I feel like it’s overly limited and too situational. It’s literally just the Mage Hand spell, which is done in most fictional universes.

7) Combat Info - 5 points

“Roll with it” is still the worst landing strategy ever, but at least you gave him dust bullets as a control mechanism.

8) Day to Day Life

Bartending job still seems superfluous. Team RNJR managed to travel between kingdoms with no hassles, supporting the four of them on less money than he would have been making as a graduated Huntsman, and resupplied themselves multiple times without having to do odd jobs. In fact, they managed to do so by sticking with what they knew instead of paying for a random course in bartending, which is not a well paying job at all. No points regained.

Total: 69 points