Board Thread:Off Topic/@comment-25936766-20170228175626/@comment-25936766-20170319193538

Next, is Ahpolki Inika and Sassy Thorn Nou

Basic Info= 9/10pts

-I read on the notes that she was a bit rushed…and looking at the emblem and Team Acronym, you were not kidding. The Emblem is literally a bunch of bananas (though of the Musa Acuminata instead of the one associated with Nang Tani: Musa Balbisiana). And the T.A. is literally “Banana”. Much thought went into those bits, definitely.

It’s not going to make you lose points per se…there’s nothing actually wrong with it, but I see what you meant.

-Weird nicknames…Witch-Girl, and…………Boom-a-Wreck…….???? What kind of thing would make a nickname like the latter?

Post-Review: Witch-Girl, as cringey as it is, at least makes some sense for her to have been called that……but there’s nothing at all for “Boom-a-Wreck”, which is also even more cringeworthy. If there’s nothing behind it, don’t use it.

Appearance= 7/10pts

-“Height and Weight: Jet black, about halfway down her back”…Inika, I think you need to buy a dictionary. Or glasses.

-….She wears saddles? …This is the part where I think a link was super-necesary, because the only saddles I know of and can find are for horses and bikes.

Backstory= 10/20pts

-Was there any point to, or any need, to mentioning she’s their biological daughter?

-…Okay, here’s a question: If the father didn’t want anything to do with children, why the hell did he still have one? You say he “avoided them as much as possible”, but it’s somewhat ambiguous from the wording on whether you mean he avoided kids or avoided Sasithorn and her mother. I assume the latter, but still.

''-“One of the villagers blamed the family for this, and tried to kill them in the chaos. While he succeeded in causing internal damage to her”''…to who? To Sasithorn or her mother? I assume her mother due to what happens next, but still.

-……..Wait. Are you telling me, that while suffering internal injuries, her mother and Sasithorn managed to escape an assaulted village, and move all the way to Mistral, enduring long enough for her mother to get treatment…again, while suffering internal injuries, somehow avoiding any Grimm on their way. Without even at least some mention of the mother being a fighter of some sort, or them getting any sort of help on the way.

My capability of disbelief is already being tested at barely half the story….

-Just what the hell does KNUS mean?

-“Knowing that she no extended family or father, she considered leaving the Kingdom and Haven.”………….WHY??? Where the hell is the logic in that?

-It does feel again rushed. Some parts sound more ambiguous than they should be, and there’s some missing words near the end.

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Personality= 9/10pts

-The personality in itself is fine, but…no, “being vegetarian” does not work in “Misc. Traits”, that’s for quirks and ticks and similar things. Being vegetarian goes more in the personality section, or at least mentioned in her likes or dislikes. For example: “Dislikes: Meat (she’s vegetarian)”.

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Relationships= 5/5pts

-The relationships are fine, but……….the names are a bit of a problem. Her mother and father have no names despite their importance, especially the mother. And there’s no explanation for what the names of each teammate of hers mean. With Alyssa, alright “jade=green(ish)”. But Brandon? Meri?

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Trivia= 5/5pts

-You mention her mother makes “potions”…always with “ as if they actually weren’t. What do you mean, remedies? I can’t think of anything else, and honestly if you did mean remedies of any sort it would’ve been more than sufficient to just say so instead of “potions” as if trying to make her sound special.

But that’s a side-issue, the trivia itself is fine.

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Weapon= 4/10pts

-You mention it was made in a rush, and I see what you mean. The idea of a boomerang weapon is creative, but the weapon name is kind of cringey to me, and after reading it all, I have next to no idea of how it actually looks or is shaped as.

It has a slot in the turbine big enough for a Dust-filled cylinder, and a slot in each tip big enough for one to insert Crystallized Dust. So I can only assume it’s not a small boomerang, and little else besides that.

At the same time I have 0 idea of how it’s really supposed to look in the “Sword mode”. I can assume something based on the Stormerang, but being based on something doesn’t mean it’s supposed to look identical. Aditionally, since you use plurals, is it 2 boomerangs? 3? More than that?

And I have absolutely no idea how the heck the function of “follows signals on chips to return to the user” actually works. How does it even?

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Semblance= 2/10pts

-This is more like the contrary to the weapon; it’s got more detail, but it’s super uncreative. All it does is reduce damage, like “armor”….which is exactly what Aura does by default. It protects the user from damage.

A Semblance that reduces damage, but does literally nothing else, and can be broken by an attack with enough force, is like painting a yellow wall yellow in this case. If it wasn’t for Dust Interaction, it would be even more redundant. And it’s basically useless because it uses up Aura to do literally what Aura does, so there’s no point.

-“Side-Effects: Her skin and muscles can resist more physical damage than her teammates, so you won't see her complaining about paper cuts during class.”…I assume everyone has their Aura unlocked unless noted, so I don’t expect ANYONE to complain about paper cuts during class.

-Reflection of Personality= 3/5pts Given what you tell me, I can more or less see the reflection (except for the fact it somewhat depends on her ANGER)…but, there’s a problem, also present in the Sound Cue section: You don’t sound sure. “COULD be a manifestation of her urge to protect herself”. Not “is”, but “could be”, as if you yourself didn’t even know what you were writing.

And with the Sound Cue you said “Some classmates swore they heard what could be described as "falling trees" whenever her Semblance became active”. See, you need to state what sound does it make when activated, not what sound other people think it made when it was activated. I care about it’s facts, not what other people think.

Leaving some things as implications or suppositions is fine, but state the facts FIRST at the very least.

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Combat Info= 2/5pts

-….Why would she prefer to fight close-range, especially given her weapon is a boomerang?

-…How does she use the turbines on her boomerangs to slow her fall? I personally thought she would put her feet on them to use as air-skates of sorts, but you never said she did anything like that. And I can’t see any other way for her to use her boomerangs’s turbines to slow down her fall.

-How the heck, or rather why the heck, does her boomerangs leave a trail of elemental energy after being thrown? I would understand if, after using Dust, they would form a small tornado or blizzard when thrown. But I don’t see any way nor any reason they should leave a trail of elemental energy after being thrown. You say they do so with certain elements, but which ones?

Total points: 9+7+10+9+5+5+4+5+2= 26 + 19 + 11 = 56pts. Definitely rushed.