Thread:Sentry 616/@comment-27144409-20161002040202/@comment-27425734-20161003051944

First, and foremost, I would recommend avoiding writing character dialogue in script format. If you were writing the dialogue for a play or a movie, this would be okay, but I'm presuming that your story follows the style of a novel. So, instead of this:

Yang: Again!? I am really starting to get sick of that dream.

Ruby: Uhh. The same one, the one about your birth mom?

You should write this:

"Again!?" Yang exclaimed as she sat up in bed. "I am really starting to get sick of [this] dream."

Rubbing her eyes blearily, Ruby looked at her sister through squinted eyes.

"Uhh, the same one [from last night?] The one about your birth mom?"

I changed some of the words and punctuation around since I thought the sentences sounded a little awkward. For instance, although Yang's dream has occurred in the past, it is still something that is relevant to the event of her waking up in the early hours of the morning. Thus, Yang should be using the present tense of "that" to indicate this. As for Ruby's line, I combined "uhh" with "the same one" and made it into its own sentence since the second sentence is more like two questions in one. The first sentence also can serve to add context to this situation as you never specify a given length of time for how long Yang has been having these dreams. If this exchange between Ruby and Yang comes directly from the show then apologies for the mistake on my part. It's been quite awhile since I've watched RWBY. However, it's still important to clarify to the reader information like this as it helps ground them into the characters' situation. In this case, it can serve to cement the frequency of Yang's dreams, and how they're clearly distressing her.

Note: I am not an expert on grammar, so what I'm advising you to do is based purely on what I have learned in academic courses, as well as personal research and experience. Keep in mind that other writers might have a different opinion on this, so it's a good idea not to consider my suggestions the only ones to follow. However, script formatting is generally viewed as unappealing in narrative writing since it relies on creating conversations without context which you usually want to avoid. Also, I've heard that your dialogue should be strong enough that you don't have to rely on descriptive details, or variations of the word "said", but I've seen both professionals and amateurs do this and their work turns out fine. The same holds true for the opposite approach as Clockwork Orange uses the word "said" thousands of times, and is a critically acclaimed work of literature.

On another note, I haven't been following the threads as closely as I used to - mainly due to schoolwork and my job - so I'm not sure if you've ever mentioned a desire to make a crossover between RWBY and Destiny. As I have never played Destiny, or been too interested in reading up on its lore, I can't offer much advice on how well you've managed to meld these two universes together. What I can say is that you need to work on your world-building.

Case in point, the lack of descriptive detail in this prologue. Regardless of whether or not it's a prologue, it's important to "paint the scene" for the reader. For example, a "Ketch" is something that I'm sure a Destiny player would recognize, but if I haven't played Destiny, how would I know what you're talking about? I wouldn't. Which is why it's so important to describe the subject matter from Destiny in a way that makes sense to the average reader. A Ketch might be described as "a rounded triangular craft with a bulbous arrangement of thrusters and broad fins at the back. It also has several needle-like structures jutting out here and there along the underside and curves of its body". Moreover, it's important to at least briefly describe the canon characters that the average RWBY fan would know. You might think that this isn't important, and to a degree, it's not something that you should focus on in general. Nonetheless, I believed that it helps to build a scene when you deliver a line of dialogue for a character and follow it up with some descriptive detail. Of course, that isn't to say that you should do that all the time, it's just that in moderation, it can help with placing the reader more firmly into that situation in the story.

In short, work on your formatting, try to build a stronger setting and pay closer attention to your grammar. I think this has the potential to be an interesting story it's just that the execution is a bit lacking.