Board Thread:Off Topic/@comment-25936766-20160831212046/@comment-25936766-20160916002459

Now Eternal Eternity's James C. Arbor

-1) Basic Info 13/15, I find it ironic that you tried to justify the name by saying "he's from before the CNR"....and yet, his name still fits CNR. Arbor refers to trees, and James can fit in some ways: 1) James River, and 2) A muscadine cultivar.

Mmm....died at 102. Not sure to accept it fully or not. While it's implied Aura can improve one's lifespan, we only have 1 example, Ozpin, with whom "time is a thing". I'll let it slide, but will keep it in mind.

Also, nothing serious but, pretty sure things like his beard, hair, "pot belly" all go in the Appearance section. "Fascination for Grimm" goes in Personality or Likes/Dislikes, and, quite obviously, Deceased is not an occupation.

-2) Appearance 14/15, I kinda see that you didn't know 100% how to use the Template. Now, describing the appearance first before inputing info in each sub-section may seem fine, but as you can probably see, it makes the whole thing look redundant because multiple info repeats.

Also...."Crackling Lightning"? .....I'm sure you don't mean the crisp of roast pork, so...sharp-sounding lightning, I guess?

He also seems a bit overweight, even in his youth.

-3) Characteristics:

Background 8/20, Mmm...showed not just great strength and skill, but was even smarter than his peers and led them to a place where they even made a village.....mmm....I'm getting some MS warning signs, combined with his age when he died. Let's go deeper.

"Fought hard to end the war and promote Unity", how optimistic....."became one of the first Hunters", more warning signs......"Researched the Grimm"? As long as the research is restricted to observations and such, because any scientific research would make no sense given his background. "He began Mayor"??? I can only understand from that "he became Mayor", which only gives me more warning signs.

Then there's the following: "on a mission to study grimm he became aware of terrible secrets. He wrote his discovery in a diary and was forced to flee as his discovery prompted grimm to converge on him from all around the wild. An entire horde after him he lost his diary and his arm, not to mention a wound to the throat that took his voice"

The "terrible secrets" part is so cryptic I'm calling bullshit. He lost an arm and even his voice from a wound to the throat....which is also bullshit because Aura. If he got injuries that bad, his Aura was down to 0%, and there's no way he would've survived a horde after that all alone.

Personality 8/10, it makes him sound Marty Stuish, but maybe it's just the wording. (Doesn't save him from being one though....).

Likes/Dislikes: -2. Hating Dishonesty is so expected it's hardly worth mentioning, but that's not why I'm giving you a -1. Hating Grimm is also expected, but there's a contradiction: you explicitly said in the first section: "Fascination for Grimm".

-4) Trivia: 3/5, Honestly, would've liked for the wife to have been mentioned in the background at least. His wife...."Melissa Jackson"....sounds unusual, given the names we've seen in Remnant. It feels too....close to Earth. Her relationship with James also sounds a bit too perfect for my pleasure. His relationship with Olive sounds good enough for me, on the other hand.

-5) Weapon: 8/10, I give you a yellow carnation for the name. The design and usage seems pretty classical and basic, but that's expected given the design and the fact that he was born among barbarians.

Also....the weapons being used as blueprints by his descendant is not a planned upgrade.

-6) Semblance: 6/10, so let's see: Clouds appear, some lightning strikes. That's it? Seems pretty...dull. Given the only real limitation mentioned is "huge Aura cost", I feel like you didn't know much what to do to limit it.

But....there's a more glaring bit....: "he used lightning dust to create electricity when he ran out of aura". For starters, Aura is a Semblance's fuel, without Aura, the Semblance ends and cannot be used, so regardless of whether he had Dust or not, if he ran out of Aura, he can't boost his Semblance with it. He would need to use it while using his Semblance, where it would make sense and work, but then there's the problem of the Aura cost...

Unless your point was that he used it as a replacement for his Semblance when he ran out of Aura, to shock enemies. And you see: 1) If he knows how to use Dust via Aura, he still needs Aura, making it useless as a backup weapon for when he runs out of Aura. 2) Crystal-form Dust is too non-volatile to be used effectively like an improvised grenade, while Powder-form Dust is so volatile carrying it around is almost suicidal. The former could still be detonated by breaking it, but since he uses simple axes, that would, again, be suicidal.

-7) Combat Info: 4/10....at this point, it's official, you made a Marty Stu. And you really, really missed the point in this section. First: Class/Position=Class/Role in RPG terms. Tank, Support, Warrior, Rogue, Mage, Swashbuckler, Ranger, stuff like that.

Second: Landing Strategy=What he would do to make a safe landing if falling from relatively-great heights, like everyone did in the Emerald Forest: Ruby shot at the ground to slow her fall via the recoil, Pyrrha smashed through trees with her shield to slow herself, Ren stabbed his weapons on a tree and spinned down it.

Now, with the fighting style, you got that part right, but saying he could smash through a herd of Goliath through sheer strength, it's just Marty Stuish bullshit. There must be limits, nothing should be too strong.

-Civilian Extension: This is where you practically confessed what you made: Master Combatant, Master of Aura Manipulation, and Dust Use? And a brilliant biologist and researcher, even though he's from a barbarian tribe and thus likely never received the appropiate education that is practically required, especially given how he was drafted into the war and became a Hunter after that.

And on top of all that he's also a fantastic leader with tons of medals, the Chieftain of the "Wild People", and a Mayor.

Total Score: 13+14+8+8+3+8+6+4-2=62+10 for being new=72.

Next time, may want to think twice about the OC you're making, to avoid making them....like this.

Congratulations Phantom, you win.