Board Thread:Off Topic/@comment-26397825-20170101235836/@comment-26397825-20170117120048

Next up, PisceanWaterBender with Alani Teigra.

1) Basic Info - 9 points

Claw marks on each end of what? Or do you mean 4 claw marks that start off parallel, only to split into pairs and converge at the top to make a heart? Or just 4 claw marks arranged in pairs to make a heart? And I hope to see an explanation for that nickname later.

2) Appearance - 19 points No pockets or pouches for holding gear such as her scroll? No belt for hanging stuff off, such as her weapons?

3) Characteristics - 23 points

The backstory sounds like a pretty grim but not unrealistic story of Faunus being mistreated by SDC factories.

Deathstalkers in the desert? I’m actually a bit disappointed that you didn’t create something, but Deathstalkers work since scorpions are desert creatures.

What does MRDA stand for? Because I’m reading it as murder...which is not good. ''Ah, I see it’s in the notes. All good. ^.^''

What is her calling? What does she do, how does she do it? You left the end of the backstory very vague, so I’m a bit confused. Does she just wander the deserts of Vacuo looking for natural resources like fresh water?

No idea what Corazon means, though I know enough other languages to know de Leon means ‘the Lion’. No mention of how she got it or what it means though.

I’d argue that she’s been exposed to the racism Faunus face, just not through the usual channels. She has first hand experience on how the racist SDC treats its Faunus workers and how that affects their personal lives.

You mention that she’s got the right personality to lead in her backstory, but I’m not really seeing how she’s any better than anyone else who might be picked to be a leader. I’d even go so far as to argue that her stubbornness, risk-taking, and attitude towards those she doesn’t agree with actually reduce her leadership qualities a bit.

4) Trivia - 3 points

Didn’t Taronja take it upon himself to care for their mother? Did he drop that and leave it for their father? Or does he act as a visiting nurse rather than a live in nurse?

She gets her missions directly from the Council of Vacuo instead of from the standard mission boards every freelance Huntsman gets them from? Why? And the charity work is mentioned, but not explained in the backstory sufficiently.

5) Weapons - 14 points Huh. Functional weapon, if simplistic. Maybe she should get some dust added to the blades though, so she has some more ranged ability without a gun mode.

5) Sembalnce - 5 points

That….just sounds like a standard tailwind that you generate when moving at high speeds, I’m sorry. Ruby did it as a side effect of her semblance, which is just speed. Cars make it when they travel at speed. You would have been better off making a variant speed semblance and making the wind tunnel aspect a byproduct that she takes advantage of.

That being said, as far as semblances go, it’s not too bad. It’s not OP or anything. So I’m giving you points for how well you’ve balanced it, but taking points because it’s a natural byproduct of pretty much everything that travels at speed.

7) Combat Info - 3 points

Er...well, fair enough on the landing strategy. Though she mustn’t have been falling from very high up in the second scenario, as hitting the pavement at speed would have seriously damaged her aura (possibly even broken it alongside her ankles/legs) and left her rolling around in pain. We’ve not seen anything that suggests Faunus are actually faster than humans for any reason beyond training and semblance.

8) Day to Day Life - +1 points Ah, finally a bit more of an expansion on this charity.

Total: 77 points

I just want to say congratulations on getting over 75 points on your first contest (and in fact only getting 9 points beneath current first place). That is a very good sign in terms of your ability to create characters. Keep improving and you'll be a strong contender in later contests. =)