Board Thread:Off Topic/@comment-26397825-20170430155022/@comment-26397825-20170527114738

Cyrania de Bergerac with Griselda Sycamore Palladium

1) Basic Info - 9 points

I have to ask how you’re going to get a throne out of sycamore tree roots in a flat single colour 2D picture to show clearly. It sounds extremely complex and confusing when you try to flatten the image.

2) Appearance - 17 points

Uh….your weight is too low for a tall, muscular person with wide hips and thighs. Your BMI is 21, which is a normal weight for someone who’s a little athletic but has no real muscle tone to speak of, let alone wide hips and defined thighs and arms. And...in the RWBY universe, 5’9’’ is not tall. It’s about average.

3) Characteristics - 24 points

Holy hell that child labour. Two days off every month, and that’s it? Even adults don’t work that much, no matter if they own a business or not. She’d burn out from stress before she was even old enough to join a combat academy. A child needs at least two days off a week to go out and be a child. That’s why schools don’t keep kids in them for the whole year.

This timeline is strange. When Grie is 22, Herb dies. The previous year was running a new shop, and the 4 before that were spent saving for said shop, which drops her to 17. There was at least 5 years between her starting to save and her meeting Reginald for when she learnt that he was pretty important, making her 12. Is Reginald 4 or 5 years older than her? Because I don’t see any other way he could have been studying at Haven when she met him. And if he is, what’s an almost-adult doing hanging out with a pre-teen? He’d be more focused on learning to fight Grimm and get along with his team than befriending the overworked mechanic he only got to see 2 days a month.

How do two school dropouts manage to work their way through gambling houses after gambling houses unscathed when they only have the bare basics of aura defense training? They’re crawling through the underworld chasing a guy who owes someone a ton of money. They’d get noticed and they wouldn’t be unscathed anymore, if you catch my drift.

I’m noticing a pattern; if you want someone to leave a backstory, you kill them. The dad died, Seth almost died, there’ no mention of the mother after the dad died, and then Laila and Seth disappear after the death of Silas. Then add the drama over Pewter’s heritage, despite the fact that throwback genes are a thing which is how redheads get born to black haired couples (and happens all the time in real life), and this is more drama than a soap opera.

4) Trivia - 5 points

Did Grie really fight against her brother? I didn’t actually notice any fighting, just a sort of ‘stuff happened that she stumbled into later before it resolved itself without her’.

5) Weapon - 2 points

You know...you could have just let me know you were making a civilian character and I would have reassigned points to other sections (such as Day to Day life, Backstory and trivia) instead of you having to come up with a weapon and semblance for a mechanic. The weapon feels more like a gadget, being nothing more than a glorified shifting spanner (which is the Aussie name for a crescent wrench). It’s not an interesting concept or a unique twist on an old tool. She didn’t even make it, it was bought from a hardware store as a present.

6) Semblance - 9 points

Semblance feels hyper-specialised, but that’s not inherently a bad thing. It feels too limited though; I think the lack of ability to stop focusing on a single object until it is either destroyed or out of range is a major drawback for someone who would have multiple projects running at once as part of her work. That means she can map out a car engine, but then if someone brings in a motorcycle that needs work while she waits for car parts to arrive, she can’t use her semblance to map the problem with it until later in the tiers unless she either destroys the car engine or sends it away - neither of which are conductive to business.

And the dust interactions; does it automatically target and destroy the weak points with no input from her?

7) Combat Info - 2 points

If she’s inches away from an opponent, she’s not going to be able to swing her wrench hard enough to deal any real damage either. A wrench is a swinging weapon, being only inches from someone while fighting them is a grappling style. The two do not mesh; she needs to be at least arms length away from her opponents to use her wrench effectively in combat, which means they have arm’s length to use their own weapons against her as well.

8) Day to Day Life

Nothing is really elaborated on, so no regained points here.

Total: 68 points