Board Thread:Off Topic/@comment-26397825-20180301023156/@comment-26397825-20180325044432

Following Someone's advice to leave his till last, next up is Shiyilang with Xin Zhu Que

1. Basic Info - 10 points

Everything looks good.

2. Appearance - 18 points

The picture is cute. The colours don’t match the description of what she’s wearing, and honestly I like the colours in the picture much better than the ones you described, especially her pants. Would have been cool to see the sparrow tail drawn on her though, instead of just described in the traits section.

How can one be decently muscular but also slender? Unless you mean lithe with whipcord style muscles. Also, muscles weigh more than fat but she’s low on the BMI scale (though still within healthy weight). A person with a good amount of muscles should weigh more than they look, simply due to muscle being more compact and heavy that fat is. If you’re going to go with a muscled but skinny person, stick to the middling range on a BMI chart rather than going low.

A minor nitpick, so you’re not losing points for it, but you don’t mention her wearing any sort of gloves until the gadget section. And then you’re just talking about the upgrade to her weapon, not the gloves themselves.

3. Characteristics - 12 points

Your background was doing well until you decided to burn down the family residence. Afterwards it becomes cliche in a bad way. Especially once you get to the airport scene.

Why would her father, who is very concerned about the family image, snap at her like that in the middle of an airport where everyone and anyone can see and hear it? Why would they have random barrels of Dust, a highly volatile substance, in a public transport area. Not even a shipping company or a freight service, but basic, public transport. Why would her father not at least say “her semblance went off accidentally”, thereby helping her to not become an outlaw. For a person who has hammered ‘family comes first above all else’ into his kids, he’s doing a piss poor job of upholding that.

A quick glance at her semblance also tells me that she should be dead; exploding everything like that apparently takes all her aura, which means she would have had no protection from the exploding Dust and debris. You started off nicely, but this forced drama with her father being an overreacting arse which causes her to explode random buildings is over the top.

Her personality explains her views on her upbringing, and the ‘trying to find herself’ aspect is a nice touch, but it’s vague. And given her likes and dislikes, her natural personality seems to be in line with what her parents drilled into her anyway so the rebellious phase doesn’t make much sense, nor does it make being outlawed seem ‘worth it’ for her to gain freedom.

4. Trivia - 5 points

The details in all the relationships are very nice, though now I wonder if her grandmother ever had an affair with Hadrian Slade due to how close they were.

5. Weapon - 10 points

I’m glad you didn’t try to make Squall’s actual gunblade in RWBY, because there’s one very large issue with his sword - if he ever tried to actually shoot something, it would explode in his hand. The weapons are basic but function, and the simpleness of them fits with how old they’re supposed to be.

My only issue is why are there two of them. You can’t accurately aim and fire a rifle with one hand, which means that if you ever want to switch between melee and ranged quickly you have to sheath one of the weapons or drop it. You would have been better off sticking to only one riflesword or making it a smaller gun that can be fired one handed. 6. Semblance - 5 points

The concept is okay (though personality I dislike elemental semblances such as this, which can basically be replicated with Dust by anyone), but the execution is flawed. Full aura drainage is too heavy a limitation, and flames can’t really act as a shield to protect you but instead just burn those who do attack you - which their own aura would let them ignore the damage anyway.

7. Combat Info - 3 points

I’d like a little more information on her combat style than ‘lunges and dodges away again.’ You mention kicks and punches in her semblance, so maybe elaborate how she combines martial arts with her sword stances to create a mixed style instead of making her seem like a rapier user with two edged swords.

8. Civilian Info - No bonus

It doesn't really expand on anything I didn't already know from other parts of the character.

Total: 63 points

I think you need to step away from the forced drama and reign things in a bit. There can be conflict and she can be outlawed without making her dad an absolute jerkass and an idiot. She can have a dangerous semblance without it leaving her completely unprotected if it goes off accidentally. The base ideas are good, but your execution needs work.