Board Thread:Off Topic/@comment-26397825-20160331235054/@comment-26397825-20160411015604

Next judgement!

Whitennerdiest; A new comer! Let’s see how you did with Bole Brunswick

1) Basic Info - 10 points Pretty standard. Interesting note about a mole that won’t disappear even with his semblance.

2) Appearance - 24 points All aura’s have a colour. Also, he’s underweight by 2 whole kilos. Muscle weighs more than fat, so if he has muscles like a rock climber he should not be underweight, even if he is skinny.

Not a single tie between his name and his appearance. Practically everyone we have seen so far in the show has some tie between their physical appearance and their name. He wears socks to bed? I mean, you’re not gonna lose points over that. It’s just a weird thought to me; wearing socks to bed. Pity his battle outfit is literally just his casual outfit with a few modifications, though it does make me wonder. If he’s wearing his casual outfit and an unexpected fight breaks out, does he specifically take the time to roll up his sleeves and unzip his jacket?

3) Characteristics - 19 points

Wait, where did the middle name come from? That’s the kind of thing you should mention in the basic info.

Wait, how did Bole know that his father had been killed by White Fang in the Vacuo area? In fact, why would Vacuo White Fang kill his father, who had been living and working in Atlas for the SDC? Not to mention the fact that Vacuo seems to be pretty distanced from everything going down, since Tukson was running away from the White Fang and had booked passage to Vacuo to do so.

And he never once got robbed or mugged or knocked off in the 18 months he was wondering around the shady part of Vacuo asking for information? That’s not how the criminal underworld works.

Why didn’t he get his aura unlocked at his school, which has combat classes? Combat classes would mean his aura would be unlocked in the first couple of months, since aura is such a helpful thing in combat.

Nice tie in to the main storyline, though, and neat way to circumvent the typical revenge story.

How is he getting into Haven when it’s about 3/4 of the way through the school year? He should need to wait another couple of weeks before he can, since Breach happened about halfway through the year. He could run around Mistral for a while, but he wouldn’t be at the school just yet and wouldn’t be accepted almost immediately. He’d be added to the list of Initiates for the next school year.

Backstory total: 13 points

Personality kind of flip flops between helpful, friendly, forgetful daydreamer with humour and quiet, aloof, serious kid with a good work ethic.

Personality total: 6 points

I like the note about liking hide-and-seek and magic tricks, but I don’t think anyone likes overly strict professors or excessive homework.

4) Trivia - 3 points Is Winslow his only notable relationship? No mention of his mother beyond exchanging letters with her or the girl who trained him and unlocked his aura.

5) Weapon - 7 points I’m glad you made his back sheath have the opening near his hip, otherwise you would have lost points for sheer impracticalness. Interesting mechanism for stringing the bow too. Not sure what the point of throwing his weapon is for though, as swords aren’t exactly the best things for throwing, though at least he can retrieve it easily.

Though, heating and cooling the weapon constantly would mess with the integrity of the blade, eventually leading to it breaking. I suggest making it springsteel, which allows the blade to bend as necessary for the bow form and still allows it to retain its shape.

6) Semblance - 6 points No activation cue. I mean, it sounds obvious, but there should at least be a cue. The cue is how the audience would know he was using his semblance if he was in the show – like Pyrrha has that vwoom sound and we see a black outline. Even if the characters don’t see it, we do and we know she’s using her semblance.

Not sure how his semblance would cancel out shadows, since that’s not connected to the pigments of his skin at all, though the shadow imitation is pretty clever.

Also, no mention of whether the changes are permanent or if it’s a constant drain on his aura to hold up a different appearance.

7) Combat Info - 5 points Nice and detailed fighting style and landing strategy, though I do wonder if he could just use his grapple without an arrow to swing himself to safety.

8) Civilian Extension - +2 Bonus points for describing just how he managed to avoid getting into too much trouble in the underworld of Vacuo, as well as tying skills into his backstory and nickname, and giving a reason for why his semblance is appearance changing.

Overall total: 76 points

No newcomer bonus, since you managed to score above 70 without it. Well done.