Thread:HazelQuill7445/@comment-33293221-20171007210659/@comment-24573226-20171007225020

I'm just gonna base this on what I see, not necessarily all are from your changes


 * quick-thinking isn't the opposite of having multiple combat skills, so I'd tweak that
 * Opening a sentence with "An engaged person," will absolutely lead to confusion about it's meaning no matter what follows. The fan base here doesn't typically use/understand language like that
 * toward, not towards
 * "keep secrets" not "hold" — yeah, that sentences runs on enough to become difficult to understand
 * Not attached to anyone but Weiss must be a very very old sentence and is quite out of place now
 * It definitely contradicts itself with the no friends, very sociable presentation of facts
 * some typos and tense shifts
 * There's narrative backtracking with her choosing to take on the mantle of Fall Maiden, then a paragraph later followed with her struggling with the decision
 * Ahhhhhhh parenthetical description! Nooooooo

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I think the end result of this section is a mishmash of description with longwinded attempts at getting the point across. :/ You might feel that condensing the wording loses the original thought, and I think what's left makes it difficult to form any thought at all. It's like the reader encountered an essay attempting to guide it somewhere but couldn't completely figure out how to get there. Yikes, are all the personality sections like this?