Board Thread:Off Topic/@comment-25396609-20180128214516/@comment-25396609-20180220233845

Finally, we’ve got VedranTheII with Ebb Aire.

1) Basic info:

I’m… very iffy on the name. While it does TECHNICALLY work with CNR, it’s a bit too loose for comfort.

Symbol is hard for me to picture but I sorta get it?

That… is a terrible nickname to give your kid. Just saying.

Score: 9/10

2) Appearance:

height/weight checks out with the physique; colors are all good.

I like the hair; very cute.

Wait, why does she have scars instead of horns? Am I missing something in the backstory that explains her not having them anymore?

The outfit sounds like it should make sense, but the description is a bit cluttered and I’m having trouble imagining it.

I… do not know what a cylinder buckle is, and all google search is turning up is pictures of belt buckles patterned after revolver cylinders.

Score: 18/20

3) Characteristics:

I’m not sure how that’s an unlikely pair truth be told. Also kind of questionable having her mom be straight up chief of police but that might just be due to my personal preferences, trying not to make people TOO important.

Insults beat racism, apparently. Good to know I guess? Logic on that one is a bit questionable.

Wait, he’s married to the chief of police, but people are stupid enough to pay him unfair wages? You’d think they’d be wary of underpaying somebody with a connection to someone with a good bit of influence. The general better treatment of faunus makes sense, just questioning if he himself would actually be dealing with low wages.

Kids always hate being treated like kids. Her mom does seem prone to overreaction, though. White Fang was peaceful until very recently in the timeline, I don’t think their rallies would have been violent at all until Sienna took over. There’s not a very good frame of reference up to this point of how old Ebb is at this point. Last indication she was 9, but section makes it sound more like she was a teenager getting into fights with her parents. More of a tone issue, though.

Wow, this girl is coming off as REALLY unlikeable. She just seems like a little brat who insults people and complains to get her way. Not sure if that was intentional, but it’s the impression I’m getting. Insulting people and trying to coerce them into being her friends rather than being nice or attempting to earn their trust over time.

Aiming related HOW exactly? Marksmanship? Could really use more actual details about the interactions to give an idea of how they interacts.

Would kids that age even know gambling is illegal?

Side note, I know you’re not a native english speaker Vedran, but this story does not flow very well. Grammar is spotty in many places.

Shot in the back literally or figuratively? That’s pretty important. Honestly, the dead mom just feels awkwardly forced, sure death is usually sudden and messy but from a writing standpoint is throws me out of any sense of immersion. Likely due to the questionable grammar and presentation.

Massive run on sentence, awkward wording; and it’s he not him.

Wait…. Her mom was the chief of police; you don’t just take up that kind of job, you start off at the bottom of the barrel and climb your way up the ladder; regardless of who your parents were.

This girl has absolutely zero qualities you would look for in a good leader; especially in a military-operated school. She’s the problem child that gets kicked out of basic training, not the one they assign as a squad leader. That said, very interesting use of the initials for the team.

But who are her teammates? What was her relationships with them? Why was she made the leader and not one of them?

Okay, so there’s the names, but it doesn’t tell me anything about their actual personalities. Barely gives me any idea why they wouldn’t get along.

How exactly did she make nice with them? I don’t know anything about Yosef, Raushan, or Sea. What process lead to her making amends and reaching an understanding?

The tense feels like it keeps changing, but not sure if it’s my imagination? Your grammar is all over the place, dude.

It takes a lot longer than the short time she would have during the break to learn to count cards, so I’m calling shenanigans. There’s nothing else in the backstory, prior to this point, to imply she was naturally skilled with mental math; so going from losing most of her money to suddenly cleaning house and getting banned is quite jarring.

Also, 7 barreled revolver? Do you mean seven chambered or is it some kind of pepper-box revolver? (glanced down at the weapon, it’s seven chambered. Was confused for a minute by the wording)

What happened to Sea’s appearance? I still know nothing about this guy; he’s apparently attractive and a lot like her dad? I’m confused.

Why would Raushan be better equipped to find this information than Yosef? Did Officer Vahan just assume she had died without trying to find out more? The first time Vahan was mentioned it was just a vague “used to work with mom” but they were apparently close enough friends for her, specifically, to be keeping an eye on Ebb’s dad?

I guess that makes sense, but she’d apparently JUST gotten off break when she got back into contact with Vahan. Assuming similar breaks to our world’s school years that would be, what, a couple of months more before she made contact with her dad?

Wait…. She didn’t do anything illegal, all she did was get banned from a casino for breaking the bank. Why would she not be asked to join the military because of that?

Still no information about her team…

I don’t say this often, but I’m glad I finished reading the backstory because that was monotonous, boring, and worst of all made me dislike the character rather than feel any sort of sympathy. Zero emotional reaction to the story other than mild annoyance.

Personality:

That doesn’t sound like a problem to me. Boring character, boring personality.

15/30

4) Trivia:

Her dad dying during the Fall of Beacon really should be part of the backstory if it’s actually important; as it stands just feels like a lazy way of avoiding writing more in the background section.

No useful information about any of the other characters named in Ebb’s backstory.

Dante explains the gun I guess, but I don’t get the impression of any other connections. Overall feels too weak, though the character as a whole feels pretty half-assed. Not used to seeing that from you, Victor.

Score: 0/5

Huntsman stuff:

Weapons:

The revolver is fine, though I question how she apparently went through combat school without ever making her own weapon? Especially at Signal where students very specifically all forge their own.

As for Pandora’s box over here; the whole thing is a confusing mess. Considering the weapon Pandora is deliberately logic defying, I feel like it was a poor choice to try and port over in any meaningful way; particularly when combining it with other weapons from the series.

This is a case where you would’ve been better served sticking closer to the more iconic weapons, or picking a single of the less iconic weapons; especially considering there’s no mention of this one being made… anywhere except in the weapon section.

Score: 10/15

Semblance:

I’m not sure how I feel about this semblance, but I don’t see anything actually WRONG with it.

Although, she’s listed as a weapon’s teacher in backstory, not a combat instructor. Minor inconsistency. Awfully young to have gotten a job as a teacher at a combat school in general, but I’ve met younger teachers.

Score: 15/15

Combat info:

Fighting style is a bit all over the place, and she really doesn’t have the versatility necessary to fill the weak spot in a team composition.

Score: 4/5

Civilian stuff:

There’s a bit of a logical flaw in using her semblance to give students advice. She can learn to use the weapons, but only based on how they’ve fought with them (I think.) In what way does that help her give them advice? She’s not exactly a master of all weapons, unless she permanently learns to use every weapon she’s ever held.

I may be misunderstanding how that all works though.

No point recovery warranted.

Total score: 72/100

Though I was bored out of my mind and mildly annoyed by the character while reading, it’s not blatantly awful from a writing standpoint. Just dry and unlikeable.

Final rankings:

First place: SpiritedDrraming's Chloe Prisca: 78 points

Second place: VedranTheII's Ebb Aire: 72 points

Third place: Hookshot Hotshot's Leah Glynn: 64 points

That means our winner for the month is SpiritedDreaming.