Thread:Kirito Rose/@comment-27447621-20160423211618/@comment-27447621-20160424091718

Sorry for the wait, Kirito.

 Now regarding your OCs. I'll go in order they appear on the thread, and this post covers what I thought about the first 2 of your OCs. I'll only be reading their character as is described in the Template, so if you've already changed things I'm pointing out, my apologies.

 Starting with Sean Schatten.

 His physical description and personality seem fine.

 I am curious to see how you addressed the problem of his Background and his encounter with the White Fang. You mentioned that ordinary burglars seemed too low-key or unspectacular or something, right? That may be what you need. Characters aren't allowed to know the main cast for fear of violating Canon and, as it was pointed out, the White Fang isn't the Mafia, they won't immediately slate someone for termination for badmouthing them. Average Joe burglars may give him the revenge story you're looking for for him without potentially breaking the canon. On top of that, why would his parents be against the White Fang at that time at all? We don't know when the change happened, but we know that the WF used to be a peaceful organization and only recently turned violent. He can still hate the WF, but the story, as it is now, doesn't make sense. And on the issue of the bullet to the chest, I would suggest putting that scar somewhere else, because right above the heart theres the Arch of Aorta, the Subclavian artery and vein, and the Superior Vena Cava, just to name a few places that, if shot, would lead to rapid blood loss.

 On the subject of his weapon, No weapon in the show has had more than 3 forms (I don't think Velvet's counts because her weapon had one form that projected Solid-light of the other weapons). On top of that, how does the Dual-Chain-Sword work? To be a chain-sword it needs a belt going around it with the blades on it that makes it a chain-sword, right? The chainsaw has the mechanism that causes the chain to spin and the chain itself. if the sword is split in half, that chain has to come off, so the Dual Chain swords wouldn't work. could you explain that to me?

Semblance is good, but you may need to lower the max amount he can hold for balancing purposes. also, how long can he hold the energy for? can he absorb, for example, the fire on a sword imbued with Fire Dust?

Statistics seem ok. If every character has stats 42 or higher, though, I'm going to have a bit of a problem with balance, but the totalis fine. I do have an issue with the qualifiers (especially the speed qualifier, because that makes it seem like he's way faster than just a 4), but the stats as a whole are fine.

The fact that he's a musician seems...random...but I'm not bothered by that.

_______________________________JEAN TALON_________________________

Description and personality seem pretty good. Another music lover I see. By the way, I believe teammates, love interests and family go under Notable Relations, just for future reference.

As weapons go, this one is pretty cool. The bladed staff seem a bit tough to use, though (assuming the non-bladed part is twice the length of a shortswords handle). The biggest issue I can find is; how does Jean string it? where does the bowstring go when retracted and how does it stay taut when in bow form?

Thank you for addressing my earlier issue about the Semblance. It still seems a little weird to me to give such a peppy girl such a stealth-based Semblance, but it makes a bit more sense after you explained it. What bothers me now is the duration. You say she can camoflage for ten minutes, right? Most fights don't last half that time. She could stay invisible for the entire fight and her opponent can't fight back! I would suggest either shortening the duration, increasing the Aura cost or limiting the Semblance so that it can't be used if she's moving too quickly.

Stats look ok as well; I don't see anything too unbalanced overall.



I'm going to end this post with these 2 and get to the rest of the team shortly because this post is long enough as is.