Board Thread:Off Topic/@comment-26397825-20160113034906/@comment-24993958-20160113153353

203.177.28.219 wrote:

Name: Sirius Fenrir

Right…where do I start:

- Everything Spirit said I’ll parrot; if he has stuff you don’t want to reveal yet, you can exclude them out of the sheet; as a simple example I am having a fic planned out, and any information I revealed concerns the things that happened before it starts, and not after, dodging spoilers. Placing crucial information without context just makes whatever was written come across like bad writing…speaking of writing;

- Calling a random street urchin a bad omen…wow…even as someone that frequents the internet so much the word cancer has started to lose meaning on me, I can safely say that is the most unrealistic exaggeration I have ever seen in my life. I have seen baggers treated with contempt, sorrow, ignorance AND hate, sometimes multiple aspects at the same time, yet you are calling this kid the coming of dark times because he has no one to feed him? What kind of paranoid uneducated fictional village did you put him in to get him this hated? This is particularly grating to me because all you had to do was just have him be a beggar and he would grow resenting all the people that regard him with content for being a symbol of poverty.

- He somehow got picked up by Atlas despite being a street urchin, hated by most people AND likely underfed, aka not physically fit to function as a hunter; needs expanding, especially given the likelihood it was a HUMAN that got him into the junior academy;

- Transferred to Beacon…why? Needs expanding, by all indications he would pick the academy that has the highest number of people he would be familiar with, in this case Atlas;

- Quote: “But on a mission, his leader Leon Evenstar died saving him. He blamed himself, and so did everyone else.  He had committed a serious offence  and was expelled from Beacon”…err…no he didn’t…this is like arresting a husband if his wife’s wallet got robbed because he didn’t want to risk getting shot with a gun by the thief; emotions are a fickle thing and I can imagine his teammates putting the blame on him, and even himself, but as proven by Ironwood, the staff members of Beacon AND Atlas (the 2 places you correlated to your character) can maintain a cool head and see the situation for what it was, an unfortunate chain of events. There is no setup to create an outraged crowd of thousands that will force their hand and remove him from the school…I get you want me to feel sympathetic for him, but trying to demonize the whole world just to make him look like an angel is a rather cheap way to do it. Just have him drop out out of guilt and be done with it.

- Concerning weapon types, all canonical typing that we have are composed of 4 words, not 5; I’d consider replacing morning star with something else, preferably something the weapon transforms into. As far as I can tell you have a Gatling gun that can turn into a whip blade and has an in built wrist blade… it’s about as close to a morning star as a morning star is to a star rising in the morning; with that said you mention in his combat that he has a key chain flail so this is probably a description problem more than anything…with that said though his fighting style is cluttered; you say he uses gun fu but then backtrack and say he’s more of a swordsman…either pick one or just say he’s a master at using his weapon.