Board Thread:Off Topic/@comment-2.96.106.45-20131022215901/@comment-11188061-20131121111630

I'll just put the review here since I have a different ID name there.

Number one. No matter how many times you have to redo it, make very, very sure your paragraphs are separated correctly and not stuck together. It makes for a very untidy appearance and give people the impression that the story's bad.

Number two. The transition is extremely weird. One moment we have a betrayal that came out of nowhere. Next we get a dream that has literally no warning at all (except that it's so wrong that you eventually realize that something is wrong) until the very last minute. Then we jump to Ruby waking up in the hospital with the events in C1 and C2 almost completely nullified.

Like what? I get the feeling like I've gone on a rollar coaster ride with no safety belts, and then told later on that all these time, I've actually been sleeping on a ferris wheel. Yes, that's exactly the leap of logic you jumped without any bridges between to join them.

Finally, that would be grammar, proof reading and missing punctuation marks. No one can help with grammar - that's something only you can fix, and some writing styles don't necessary conform to conventional grammar - like Yoda's way of speech in Star Wars.

Proof reading is very important. Most of the time, when you go through what you've written you'd realize that 'FUCKING BULLSHIT I NEED TO DELETE THESE PARAGRAPHS IT JUST WON'T WORK!', and you should follow that impulse too because if you don't, writer's block would happen, and if you force things you'd come up with horrendous writing. Don't be afraid to delete thousands of words, it's not like you're writing for NaNoWriMo so you have a lot of room for error - while I don't because I am, but let's leave that story until I actually finish my... let's see, estimated at 80k if I had enough time to rework Ruby's Arc completely, but if not it'll be around 50k. Yes, you can release a chapter per day if you want and it is very good practice and you'll also improve eventually, but if you don't fix your mistakes then it's just going to be tumor for your stories in the future.

And missing punctuation marks. Same reason as Number 1, they suck, they really suck, and yes I know it's incredibly hard to keep track with those sometimes but really... try not to. Any decent word processor out there would solve that problem easy peasy, unless it's a FF.Net problem then I have no idea.

Lastly, you could have a Master degrees in English Academic Writing, but story writing is a whole different beast altogether. I'll give you a very simple example: I wrote a story which has offensive elements in it:

1) describing pee as yellow army rushing towards the light at the end of the tunnel.

2) described a student peeing all over his teacher and generally promoting disobedience of authority.

3) Still encouraging worse disobedience by having my student boldly threatening said teacher that he would put him down... if he doesn't let him pee.

4) And then there's one describing the protagonist falling face first into a plate full of vanilla... I didn't realize it, but after re-reading the one shot I suddenly realize there's some subtle sexual hint right there.

Note that the competition theme was love. The judges were a bunch of university lecturers, and most of them have strict morals and beliefs because, well, they're in my country. By all means, I wouldn't have been surprised if I was disqualified or even called out. But guess what? I won the damn thing. Yes, the other competitors sucked, and yes, there were about five other students competing and that means nearly no competition at all, but guess what?

They don't know how to write a story.

I encourage you to practice more and read actual stories. Maybe even get a beta reader or something for your work. Then you might improve.

Also, I'm intensely conscious that my work is horrible at times and that some parts read as dry as sandpaper, so no, I'm not being arrogant if that happens to cross your mind. Got through that phase yes? Great, you need to be incredibly critical to yourself and not be afraid to accept any criticism. I hope this post helps you somehow, because I'm high on coffee and I need to take a bath and I realize this last sentence does not make any fucking sense whatsoever.

Back to my erotic imaginations, for whatever reason I want to do so. Yes. YELLOW ARMY!