Board Thread:Off Topic/@comment-26397825-20161205132101/@comment-26397825-20161209102620

Right. Well, I'm going to ignore most everything else for the moment, as the cosmetic stuff can be adjusted later if it needs it. I'll focus on the backstory instead. Kirito Rose wrote:

Background: Athan Telem was orphaned at a young age and never knew who his birth parents were. His sister needs mentioning. She's non existant for the first half of the backstory until you mention her saving him from situations, only to kill her off in the very next sentence. She needs to be mentioned from the very beginning.

Now, what Kingdom did he live in? That's an important thing to consider when making a character. He seemed to have a childhood-long bad luck streak, because none of the candidates who interviewed with him seemed to find him appealing. Likely due to his rebellious and disobedient attitude. Because of this, he was confined to the orphanage for most of his young life. He was never able to go far away from the orphanage grounds, and because of this, he felt more like a prisoner than a resident. Why was he not allowed to leave the orphanage? Orphans aren't confined to the buildings; they are allowed to go out to friends places, go to school, go to the shops, etc. The only reason he wouldn't be allowed out of the orphanage or kept on such a close leash would be if he was a delinquent, but other than his bad attitude about seeing the orphangae as a prison, there's been no mention of that being a possibility.

Speaking of which, why does he have a rebellious and disobedient attitude? Is he just a little brat? To this day, he craves freedom. He’d gotten bullied a lot because of his Faunus heritage, and even physically assaulted because of it. Again, depending on the Kingdom this may not really be a thing. Bullying yes, but physical assault? Not so much. The people running the orphanage would get into trouble if the kids went too far. Fortunately for him, his sister, Indigo, was usually able to get him out of these situations. But unfortunately for both of them, Indigo died of food poisoning when she was eleven. How did she die of food poisoning? Why was she not taken to hospital where they would pump her stomach and she would get better? Was she the only kid to be poisoned? In an orphanage, what happens to one hild usually happens to most of the children unless it's a bug that they happen to catch in time before it makes its rounds. All the kids would be eating food that is cooked exactly the same, so if she died of food poisoning there would be more who did the same.

And if that's the case, why is the orphanage still running? A bunch of kids die of food poisoning, or even just one child dies of food poisoning, and no investigation is launched into the running of the orphanage? Once this had happened, Athan’s attitude had become a lot more withdrawn and hostile than in previous years, seeing his sister’s death as yet another set of bars on his cage. After many years of this lifestyle, Athan finally gave up on the system and ran away from the orphanage to become a huntsman and finally have the freedom he thirsted so ravenously for. After graduating Signal Academy alongside his rival/Frenemy, Sean Schatten, he moved onto Beacon where he passed initiation and was placed into team NOVA. Okay, so he runs away to enrol in Signal...how? How does he have the money to pay for his education? How does the system not pick him up and put him back in the orphanage? They'd still let him attend Signal (even under an orphan program) but he would have to live at the orphanage because he's got no other home to go to.

And if he doesn't go to Signal because he can't afford to without being picked up by the system again, how does he learn to fight well enough to pass Beacon's Initiation? While at Beacon, he didn’t feel quite as caged as he had before. Likely due to the new development in his life; his girlfriend, Viridian Cardinal. He and Viridian had a very satisfying relationship and were almost never seen frowning in each-other’s presence. However, this new life of sunshine and rainbows would soon come to an end with the fall of Beacon Academy. During the assault of the Fair Grounds, Athan’s Aura had been broke, and because he continued fighting despite this, he suffered the loss of his right leg from the knee down. But this is not the only thing he would lose this day. For, while Viridian was trying to see to his wounds, a Grimm had taken the opportunity to attack her while her guard was down, tackling her into a fire and ending her life. For about a month, Athan lived in the same manner we saw Yang in at the end of Vol. 3; Broke, beaten, hopeless, and without drive. But over time, that despair and lack of drive would turn to anger and hatred. And so it did. Now working along team STRR, he and his team travel the kingdoms, searching for whatever can help them in whatever way they need. Aaaand sappy romance dies horrible death. It's cheesy and cliche. I have no problems with romances going well, in fact I quite enjoy when romances in stories go well. I have a problem when that romance which goes well then dies a violent death that leads to the surviving person going into depression that is only left because they get angry.