Board Thread:Off Topic/@comment-26397825-20160113034906/@comment-203.177.28.219-20160114010614

VedranTheII wrote: 203.177.28.219 wrote:

Name: Sirius Fenrir Right…where do I start:

- Everything Spirit said I’ll parrot; if he has stuff you don’t want to reveal yet, you can exclude them out of the sheet; as a simple example I am having a fic planned out, and any information I revealed concerns the things that happened before it starts, and not after, dodging spoilers. Placing crucial information without context just makes whatever was written come across like bad writing…speaking of writing;

- Calling a random street urchin a bad omen…wow…even as someone that frequents the internet so much the word cancer has started to lose meaning on me, I can safely say that is the most unrealistic exaggeration I have ever seen in my life. I have seen baggers treated with contempt, sorrow, ignorance AND hate, sometimes multiple aspects at the same time, yet you are calling this kid the coming of dark times because he has no one to feed him? What kind of paranoid uneducated fictional village did you put him in to get him this hated? This is particularly grating to me because all you had to do was just have him be a beggar and he would grow resenting all the people that regard him with content for being a symbol of poverty.

- He somehow got picked up by Atlas despite being a street urchin, hated by most people AND likely underfed, aka not physically fit to function as a hunter; needs expanding, especially given the likelihood it was a HUMAN that got him into the junior academy;

- Transferred to Beacon…why? Needs expanding, by all indications he would pick the academy that has the highest number of people he would be familiar with, in this case Atlas;

- Quote: “But on a mission, his leader Leon Evenstar died saving him. He blamed himself, and so did everyone else.  He had committed a serious offence  and was expelled from Beacon”…err…no he didn’t…this is like arresting a husband if his wife’s wallet got robbed because he didn’t want to risk getting shot with a gun by the thief; emotions are a fickle thing and I can imagine his teammates putting the blame on him, and even himself, but as proven by Ironwood, the staff members of Beacon AND Atlas (the 2 places you correlated to your character) can maintain a cool head and see the situation for what it was, an unfortunate chain of events. There is no setup to create an outraged crowd of thousands that will force their hand and remove him from the school…I get you want me to feel sympathetic for him, but trying to demonize the whole world just to make him look like an angel is a rather cheap way to do it. Just have him drop out out of guilt and be done with it.

- Concerning weapon types, all canonical typing that we have are composed of 4 words, not 5; I’d consider replacing the one you have with something else; minor problem I know…with that said though his fighting style is cluttered; you say he uses gun fu but then backtrack and say he’s more of a swordsman…either pick one or just say he’s a master at using his weapon. Thanks for the critique. I'll keep the avoiding unnecessary information in mind for my other characters. Your right that his tragic past feels forced. What if I said that his omen title was due to a local myth? His tatoos and glowing eyes made him seem like some possessed child, so people feared him. Also under a full moon, his Semblance makes him lose control. I won't say that goes into a berserker rage, but his persona changes like that of a different, more violent person. He was like those haunted locations that parents warn their children never to visit.

For the reason why he was picked up by the Atlas military, he impressed an officer when he outmaneuvered  some local police when stealing food and some valuables. I failed to explain that his insubordination forced him to transfer from Atlas to another academy.

For his leader's death, he was forced to kill him. Leon willingly surrendered his life, but Sirius is the one who took it. But I should mention the whole scenerio was due to Sirius's own insubordination. The reason he was expelled is precisely because Beacon and Atlas had insight to what really happened. He probably should have gone to prison, but to appease whatever powers that be they expelled him. Truth be told, I still don't  know the specifics of this event, so maybe you have suggestions.

Lastly, for the weapon if I shortened it to Variable Vulcan Morning Star would that fix it? I don't really know what to call a keyblade-like weapon. For his fighting style, both forms require radically different styles. So I should clarify that he started out a swordsman but adopted this heavy gun type as a mercenary. When comparing the two modes, it is like if someone combined Coco's gatling with RWBY's Crescent Rose. Even thought he does flips and handstands with the vulcan, the blade form is far more dangerous and unpredictable. I think only a skilled swordsman can wield a  sword with basically five or six blades.