Board Thread:Off Topic/@comment-25396609-20161001000406/@comment-25396609-20161016071140

Final entry: Ivory Koima by HookshotHotshot

1)Basic Info

Nothing bad here, would have liked some physical or misc traits though: no change.

No team name given despite being on one and having named teammates: -1 point

Subtotal: 9/10

2)Appearance

Eh… nothing standing out here in a good or bad way: 20/20

3)Characteristics

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Background:

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Decent start to the story, but it is cramming too much information into one place: -2 points for poor pacing and info dump

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">How, exactly, would an extortion racket and mafia hit go unsolved in a military state like Atlas? Literally this entire backstory would be totally different if, in the three years his shop was being extorted, her dad had shown common sense for like 30 seconds. “Hey, soldier who’s in here every few weeks to buy parts, my shop is being extorted by the mafia. Mind telling somebody, on the down low?”

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Any kingdom but Atlas, dude, and this would have gone great; but you just had to choose the military state with an enormous standing army?: -6 points for common sense storytelling

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Wait, they have an uncle in vale? That’s the first time that’s been mentioned. Good reason to want to leave, but when did this happen relative to the dad dying?: no change for now

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Ah, there’s the team name, buried at the end of the backstory: this really should be higher up, but i’ll give you a point back anyways: +1 point

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Oh, hey, character development; haven’t seen much of that recently, even if it does feel a bit convenient that both of their parents are in the same graveyard: +1 point

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Personality:

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Stub personality: -1 point

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Personality doesn’t seem to fit a huntress in training prepared to enter the military: -1 point because it seems out of place.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Subtotal: 12/20

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">4)Trivia:

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Notable Relationships:

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">You say she’s basically best friends with her team mates by this point, but relationships read like she barely tolerates half of them. Touch confusing: -1 point

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">You really should have done more to establish herm om in the backstory: -1 point for poor handling of information

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Notes:

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Actually I generally assume that the four academies and their associated combat schools wuld be totally government funded as a rule; these aren’t just private schools, these are private military academies where children and teenagers are trained as what amounts to living weapons: no change, only observation.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Subtotal: 8/10

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Hunter Extension

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">I) Weapon

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Pretty vanilla weapon, but tonfa and pistols… have some major compatibility issues. Tonfa have a round handle which allows them to easily be spun around for different strikes and blocks; pistols have oblong or rectangular grips for more stability in the hand while firing: my full thoughts on the topic can be found in a really fucking old OC thread post (will track it down shortly): -3 point for lack of requisite functional alterations

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Not clip, magazine: constant stares of silent disapproval (no point loss though)

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Subtotal: 12/15

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">II) Semblance

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">The semblance itself is pretty okay-ish, but as it is almost a direct rip of the thing from Bleach i’m gonna dock some points, and mention that it could be better balanced by being able to selectively turn off individual senses, starting with only one and being able to do more with higher tiers: -5 points

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Subtotal: 10/15

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">III) Combat Info

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Class/Position: Support, Rogue

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Landing Strategy: Uses shots from the Hardballers combined with Gravity Dust to slow her descent enough, then jumps from tree to tree until reaching the ground.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Fighting Style: Uses The Great Mausoleum to negate other's senses, allowing her to sneak up on her opponents, attack them, and retreat before suffering a counterattack, as well as completely smother the opponent's ability to communicate. Should she be forced to fight head-to-head, she uses her Tonfa for quick, blunt-force attacks and as a solid defense.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">All looks kosher.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Subtotal: 10/10

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Civilian Extension (OPTIONAL)

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">A)Day-to-day life

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Expanded Occupation/Business Details: Koima Parts and Repair. Sold parts or custom weapons to huntsmen and military. Decently successful, now closed down.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Skills: Singing, Conflict Resolution

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Certifications: Eligible for a full-ride scholarship, courtesy of the Atlesian Military.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Expanded Relationships: Ceann Kellas- Ivory wants to bring him down. But that's understandable, so that's all I'll say.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Nothing redeeming in here: no bonus

<span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Total: 83

<span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">-

<span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Sorry about the wall-ness of it all, formatting stuff i can't be bothered to fix.

<span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Winners circle:

<span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">First Place: SpiritedDreaming: 84 points

Second Place: HookshotHotshot: 83 points

Final Place: SomeoneYouUsedToKnow: 82 points

Unholy holy mother of Satan that's a close one.