Board Thread:Off Topic/@comment-26397825-20150901031037/@comment-26463535-20150908020732

SpiritedDreaming wrote: Fourth up: Pryftan Eurig by Cyrania de Bergerac

1)       Basic Info: 19/20 points. You lost a point for not giving a reason for his acute sense of smell, not even a medical condition. I know some people can smell better than others, but there is usually a reason. Sensitive nose would have been a better descriptor here.

2)       Appearance: 18/20 points. I’ve never heard of a pear-shape face, and all I can think of is someone with a really narrow forehead and bulbous cheeks now. I hope that isn’t what you meant. Also, you say he isn’t overly muscular but according to his BMI, he is literally only just underneath being overweight. I know muscle weighs a bit more than fat, but that seems a bit much. I like his fancy outfits though.

3)       Characteristics: 19/30 points. You don’t say why he dreams of becoming a Hunter. And eh, not sure a Hunter would go on to join the police force exclusively, or that they would then just be fired from the police force for blackmail and extortion but not be punished as Hunters. Also, what order was he expelled from? You don’t say. And how did he get away with continuing to blackmail others when Hunters would have been sent after him to take him in, as he was a trained Hunter doing illegal things and the law enforcement obviously knew about it. Plus, he makes a discount White Fang that doesn’t discriminate – selling both humans and faunus, and somehow is never caught by either the White Fang or the law enforcement. Too many coincidences and stuff going his way for no reason. Also, and AU note would have been nice at the beginning. I also like the mention of his nose, even though it still doesn’t make much sense contextually for him to have an acute sense of smell. He’s only a human after all. Kind of on the nose (hah, I made a pun) having him like the dragon mythos though.

4)       Weapons: 6/10 points. I’m guessing it’s a western dragon wrapping around the cane, though you don’t specify. Also, is it just a cane sword? Like, say Neo’s umbrella? I don’t see how Adam’s weapon comes into this, besides being a sword sheathed in something. Which is a lot of weapons. Oh, I see, the sheath is a beam rifle…right. Not really something that can be effectively used from the hip like you say it is. You kind of mixed up the form/features parts though. The form section is where you write what that form does, the features part is where you write stuff it can do without changing forms or being unsheathed.

5)       Semblance: 9/10 points. So, it’s a mild form of hypnotism. Fair enough. Though with the intoxication part, I have to wonder if it isn’t just his aura getting people drunk and making them babble, which then makes me wonder what happens if he tries it on a mopey drunk or a hysteric drunk.

6)       Combat Info: 2/5 points. Your landing strategy gets full marks, but you failed to explain how he fights at all beyond ‘wanton destruction’ when he does fight. Does he use quick draw movement, fencing style, focus on crippling attack with his sword and take pot shots with his sheath? Also, not sure how Warlock equates to a sword fighter who elementally charges his weapons, which sounds more like a Spellblade. Lost a point there.

7)       Trivia: 4/5 points. So, he’s a dick to everyone he meets. Okay. Still, no mention of his team from while he was at Beacon, or the cops he knows from working in law enforcement? For shame. 4/5.





Overall Total: 77/100

Yeah, sorry about it. I was rushed to get it finished and I really had no ideas for his exact backstory or class. Though here's some answers to your questions. No offence meant if I offend you.

1.)I just thought some people were born with better noses then others, just a wierd genetic trait, not needing explanations.

2.) I was more thinking of an upside down pear, wide forehead and pointy chin.

3.) He was suppose to be a bit over-weight, hadn't quite gone to seed yet but not as active anymore.

4.) What kid (especially a boy) doesn't dream of a life of adventure as either a cop or a cowboy or a detective or a superhero or a pirate? There are exceptions, I know. But I was just thinking that Huntership would probably be among those careers that kids at some point want to be when they're young though few grow up to join it.

5.) Just my headcannon that Hunters would probably be assigned as super police as well, partly supported by the fact Sun and Neptune were trailing a cop for their assignment. He was caught shortly after he blackmailed. He was expelled from the Hunter order (didn't know quite what to call it). Since he was a hunter, he knew standerd procedure and how to avoid other hunters.

6.) White Fang are a racist terriost group, the Dragons are a mafia-esque gang except more in the shadows and dealing in slavery, drugs, black-market, any other of those kinds of business, nothing to do with terrorism. (Quadrupedal agent Espionage might be a possibility but terrorism wouldn't be that profitable in the long run, busniess like his work best in a complacent society where peace is just suppose to go on.) Since the gang's rather recent, the White Fang might not yet fully know about the Dragons and/or the full extent of its operation. His liking of the dragon mythos sort of enforces his fire dust use.

7.) The dragon on the cane is suppose to be like the classic Smaug. Adam's sheath is also a gun, like I have on Pryftan's, so its the sword and sheath, both being weapons inspiration. The sheath is not on the hip, it's a cane so it's in his hand, there's no place on his hip to put it. The idea was that he duel wields them when he has no restraints to deal with.

8.) Really shouldn't have added the drunk part. I was just worried that people would want a more detailed explanation of what happens to the person in case they hadn't read the Hobbit so the closeset thing I could think of was the usually loose talk of a drunk man.

9.) Really bad with how to describe fighting styles. The basis is fencing style but with jumps, rolls, and the ability to fire a beam of destruction. Warlock was suppose to be known on WoW for destructive AoE attacks, which fitted what he could do with his sword and sheath, and wizard-types are usually suppose to be intelligent, which was what Pryftan was suppose to be. I really had no idea what would work for his class and I needed to go pick up my babysitting charge, so I had to choose the first one that sort of fitted.

10.) With the broad outline I did with his background, it didn't seem important to add people he had known. They weren't associated with him anymore. Mostly though, I had only a general idea of what his backstory would be and specific people were not a part of it.

Sorry for the rush work and thanks for liking the good parts of my OC.