Board Thread:Off Topic/@comment-26397825-20180301023156/@comment-26397825-20180325055426

And finally, SomeoneYouUsedToKnow with Sahramin Keltainen Samarskite

1. Basic Info - 10 points

I’m not taking any points off for literally taking the nickname of his allusion so long as it’s explained properly in the fighting style or backstory.

2. Appearance - 18 points

I don’t see anything wrong with this part, as you have at least described the types of fashions he likes to wear even if he changes clothes all the time. Though, why are his weapons in the gadget section? ''Edit: Ah, they're extra weapons. It's never explained when he picks them up though, unlike his actual weapons down further.''

3. Characteristics - 18 points

That tie in for the nickname is honestly the laziest I’ve ever seen. He happened to dance in the daytime, so instead of being called the simpler “Dancing Boy” or “Dancer Kid” he got the very specific “Sundance Kid”.

The way Bush hired Sahramin is the most contrived thing I’ve ever seen. He comes into town, stops to look at a kid and decides to get him to do a thing before seeing the semblance, and then after seeing the semblance goes “Even better.” The way Bush’s personality is described later, it would have been more in character for him to simply ignore Sahramin completely and do his job.

Why did they need some randoms to deliver the Dust to the WF for Breach when the WF literally hijack entire trains with no outside help?

Bush’s death scene is touching, but Sahramin’s transition to becoming a Huntsmen is contrived as anything. There’s a certain level of acceptance when reading a story that one must have for conveniences, but from the very beginning this story has been one convenient contrival after another.

It’s well written, but could have been summarised an a lot shorter without losing any of the main substance for the story.

I don’t get a feel for any of his ‘selfless and kind’ personality in the backstory, other than you literally stating that he feels bad about hurting people. It would be good if I could actually get that feeling from the events that happened in the story, but all I got was a need to survive and an astonishing amount of loyalty for a guy who paid him off with fake money.

4. Trivia - 4 points

Bush is the only relationship you extrapolate on, despite the extra people you have pop up in the backstory now and then. Does he literally have no opinion on any of them? Is there no one else Sahramin thought of as somewhat important other than Bush?

5. Weapon - 14 points

His weapon is simple but it makes sense given his origins as a street brat and scavenger. I like it.

6. Sembalnce - 13 points

Semblance is interesting, and an interesting take on what happens if you activate your semblance while young and then your personality and mindset changes over time. Blurring could still be helpful in combat situations, as it would make it hard to at least define where his edges or weak points are, similar to the Blur spell from DnD.

7. Combat Info - 1 point

Okay, so I know his mindset when it comes to fighting….but I don’t actually know how he fights when he has to. I can extrapolate that he uses his environment, and probably uses his guns first and foremost, and maybe switches to the brass knuckles you mentioned in his appearance section when things get too close...but you haven’t actually explained any of it. Does he dodge, use acrobatics, sneak attacks, try to get his enemies to hurt themselves on his environment, what?

8. Civilian Exension - -2 points

You actually lost points here from me, which is a first. You expand on the years between Sahramin’s joining with Bush and the Vytal festival adequately, but I’m actually left with more questions than before. What guy in patch, what AK’s, and why? Narratively it sounds like a fun idea, but in the world of Remnant it doesn’t make sense.

What on Earth would a random guy in Patch do with old AKs that wouldn’t automatically get him picked up by the authorities for having illegally obtained Robots? I don’t know how big you think Patch is, but considering it has a Combat Academy with Huntsmen on the island, it’s not some backwater hicksville where you can simply get away with stuff like that, but it’s also not large enough to cover the goings on with the hubbub of the rest of the island.

Not to mention Ironwood states that the AKs have been a standard security model for several years, implying they’re available for businesses to buy as security rather than hiring security guards, so hiring someone to smuggle them to you is unnecessary. It sounds like a plot thread that you abandoned halfway through writing the backstory.

Total: 77 points

So, our totals are as such:

First Place: Maki Kuronami with 82 points

Second Place: PisceanWaterbender with 78 points

Third Place: SomeoneYouUsedToKnow with 77 points

Congratulations, Maki. It was a close one this time.