Board Thread:Off Topic/@comment-25936766-20161203005301/@comment-25936766-20161214014813

Finally....remind me to not fail Math again next semester. Alright, let's begin.

-Basic Info: 10pts (CNR=5pts)

-Appearance: 10pts

-Characteristics: 30pts. (Personality=10pts, Backstory=20)

-Trivia: 5

-Weapons: 10pts.

-Semblance: 15 pts. (Reflection of Personality=5)

-Combat Info: 10pts

-Day-to-Day Life: 0pts, it's there to give a chance for some extra pts.

First...

Arkantos95's Belaya Pustynya

Basic Info: 8/10 I have this feeling you chose Pustynya because "Cats". "White Desert" fits CNR....though Snow leopards live in alpine zones, mountain ranges. Not deserts.

The symbol is horribly uncreative. There's also the bit about "hovers tail near mouth when nervous", but I'll explain that in the next section.

2-Appearance: 7/10 "User disappears and reappears among shadows"......? ....Ah, you were referring to her Semblance's Activation Cue. Typical mistake; the "Aura effects" refers more to any effect that appears when Aura is being used, but excluding the Semblance, which has it's own activation effect, which can differ in both effect and color.

For example, Pyrrha's Aura is Crimson, yet looks Black when she uses her Semblance. Going to let this slide though, since I'm starting to wonder about things again.

About the tail: You said she hovers it near her mouth when nervous.....she's 5,6ft tall, which means 170,7cm tall. A snow leopard's tail is 80-100cm long. While the tail is quite long, there's no way it can reach even her head unless she was constantly crouching.

Hair: "Yellowish tan"....Tan orange? Sandy tan?

3-Backstory: 8/20 -So she was part of the tribe but just didn't want to be part of it, she wanted to be alone, so she left....to Vale. A city, a kingdom. Even though she already left her community because she wanted to be alone. While leaving because she wants to be Forever Alone is kinda flimsy, it would've made more sense if she just became a hermit instead of heading to the crowded civilization.

-"Belette Noir".....a man....the name is french for Black Weasel, alright....though Belette just doesn't sound like a male name. Not even unisex. Even Ghira is more manly. And I don't see anything that says it was meant to be like that on purpose.

-Alright, so she became a courier for the gangsters...everything was going fine....then suddenly BAM, old tribe attacks her because plot says so, leading to her losing her car and getting a ridiculously disproportionate bounty and a threat to kill her barely-mentioned Belette. That's so Diabolus Ex Machina it hurts.

-So the guy loaned her the money, she gave it to the ringleaders, then they swooped down and killed them all......then she tells her she could pay of the debt by working for him......why? The guys are dead, he can just pick the money off the floor. Hell, depending on the plan, giving the money could well have been unnecesary.

-So they accomplished missions from around the world....just the 4 of them? And then they were attacked by an army of bandits that banded together....which they managed to defeat, but the Guildmaster was gravely injured (Who I assumed was Cobalt, since you only mention him forming a team of mercs, not a real mention that he's part of a guild already)...

...Then Grimm came, the mercs won. The team broke up over time, because plot says so....Belaya and Jet became married, because....and they sometimes teach the younger members....as if it was some sort of Academy, instead of the Guild it is, where every person recruited should already have some experience to have been accepted, thus hardly need any teaching.



3-Personality 3/10 Sooo much depth. Barely a bit more than just "Forever Alone Wannabe", which barely shows up in her backstory. And "bit more" is basically "loves her car", which isn't much.

Likes and Dislikes: While the bit of bright lights and "cold/heat" may flesh her out slightly more...money?

4- Trivia 2/5 The relationships are empty. You mention her teammates with a description so short calling it laconic is too much. I literally know nothing about Jet or Samara besides "teammate". And not a single mention of Belette either.

Notes are fine.

5-Weapon 8/10 I'm 100% sure only Serah has ever used Bowswords in Final Fantasy so far. And her Bowswords were...a Moogle who transformed into a Sword or a Bow depending on distance from the enemy.

Your DWMC is nothing like the Bowswords in any sense but the word....and even in that way, it's a flimsy similarity, like calling a pistol with a bayonet "speargun". I was thinking more of AC's hidden blades while reading this section.

The weapon itself is fine besides that however.

6-Semblance 10/15 So, basically, if she's in X shadow, she can quickly move a certain distance within said shadow? Sounds simple enough.

Where's the reflection of personality though? Or the "Notes" part, for that matter, where you could've described it?

7-Combat Info 8/10 Is there any oportunity to Shadowstep middair to begin with?

8-Skills: +1

Total:8+7+8+3+2+8+10+8+1 = (8x4) + 23 = 32 + 23 = 55.

Sentence: "Sunassian Mountas".

Will verify tomorrow if you've participated before, if you haven't told me by then.