Board Thread:Off Topic/@comment-26397825-20160602003704/@comment-26397825-20160624122849

Warning: This post is 5 Google Doc pages long. Long post is long. First, Second and Third summary at the bottom.

Okay, Maki Kuronami with Fackel von Mondlicht

1) Basic Info - 10 points All sounds good.

2) Appearance - 27 points No colour for the cape or boots, which is a pity as you’d detailed the colour for everything else. The former combat outfit bit is interesting. No gadgets? Not even an expansion on her flashlight she always carries around?

3) Characteristics - 24 points

Wait, so this help Fackel’s father hired; were they supposed to teach her to be better, or to mess things up for the other students and make them look bad? Because I’m not quite clear whether they made the other students have bad luck and it was just blamed on Fackel, or if she really is a bad luck magnet.

She really is a bad luck magnet. Honestly, I’d blame the kid for not maintaining his weapon properly, but that’s rational thinking from a neutral point of view.

The jump from passing the Hunter to coming back to a razed village is a bit jarring, as its not worded very well. I had to reread it a couple of times to understand that she had been on patrol and came back to a village that was attacked while she was out, and not that she had randomly ran off to chase beowolves in the middle of a Grimm attack on the village.

Not sure the headmaster can revoke rights like that; otherwise the headmasters would simply revoke the rights of everyone who tried to take a mission that might have negative consequences from the mission boards. Shady Hunters exist, but they’re still Hunters and able to take missions like other ones from what I gathered.

Backstory - 17 points

Personality makes sense given her backstory; she wouldnt really want to stand out more than she already did for being a bad luck magnet and top of the class. But as you said, she’s very bland.

Personality - 7 points

4) Trivia - 5 points Relationships are all good and nicely detailed. I honestly don’t remember the backstory discussion, but I do remember the turtle faunus thing.

5) Weapon - 9 points I like the weapon. Bit confused on the exact type of axe head you have on the end, but the talon-hook helps me visualise it a little bit.

6) Semblance - 7 points Huh. No keyblade? The tiny projectiles are cool and all, but come on. A large key, such as a castle gate key, would work great as a bludgeoning device. Though I’m not sure how useful it would be in Remnant now, as everything seems to be keycard based. And is it only doors, or any lock/ignition/key-based opening system?

7) Combat Info - 5 points Fighting style makes sense given her weapon and semblance. Nice tie in of the horse her father gave her.

Overall Total: 87 points

Next, Sentry 616 with Morea Itzal

1) Basic Info - 10 points Interesting traits; the wing tattoos are a nice touch. No nicknames, but you won’t lose any points there from me.

2) Appearance - 20 points Holy crap, she’s not just lean, Sentry. Check your BMI; she’s a full 2 points under minimum healthy weight. Muscle weighs more than fat as well, so she’s anorexic. Outfits are varied but not very detailed either. 3) Characteristics - 19 points

Her childhood is very lacking, though I guess it’s undertsandable given as it seems to be fairly typical spoilt rich kid. Though my question is, what’s the timeline for all these events? How old was she when she snuck into the SDC? And how did she do that with no training as well? And why did she only set off the alarms when she tried to blow a safe? How did she steal the research when it would have been stored on computer systems?

The mother is an ex-criminal is an interesting touch, and at least explains why she then got training in espionage from somewhere she wouldn’t run the risk of being outed.

You skim an event with Grimm, but how and where did she have the opportunity to come face to face with it? Was it in an SDC facility, which the manga has implied to be testing things out with the Grimm? Mentioning the location (and if you want, using the example I give you) would solve this problem.

I like that you specify that she was not the one who started the new aircraft/dust type combination, but only accelerated it. And interesting way to tie in a rivalry and reason for her weapon which fits with her background of espionage and theft.

The bit with the rivalry being so bad that Morea would purposefully follow the other girl to Beacon just to follow it seems a bit contrived, and I would think Morea would be more interested in returning to her fathers work to do more corporate espionage against the SDC than follow her rival to another school and do another 4 years of training on top of the 4 she did at Beacon. Also, you are very lucky I am judging, and so know what Aegis is. Anyone else wouldn’t really know what you’re talking about unless they’d discussed it with me before.

Backstory - 13 points

Personality is very stubby, which is a shame for a character that has a lot going for it. Expanding on her personality, even if its just writing everything out as half sentences and tying it together nicely instead of simply listing it off would get you more points here. That being said, she does have a nice array of likes and dislikes.

Personality - 6 points

4) Trivia - 4 points The relationships are there, but very short and don’t give anything beyond what was stated in the backstory.

5) Weapon - 4 points Large and powerful engine…wouldn’t that be heavy? You can get smaller engines which will do the job just as well. And you haven’t told me what dust she uses, or if she uses any for lift or flight. Do the wings move like fairy wings, or are they stationary and utilise dust for all lift and momentum? Interesting idea, but needs a lot more detail in how it works and what she does with it.

6) Semblance - 6 points Wait, her semblance is high speed flight? Or is it protecting her from altitude and g-forces? You’ve given two abilities in the short description, but only expanded on one. The one you have expanded on is an interesting one, at least.

7) Combat Info -2 points Question; how does the emergency parachute deploy if she has a set of wings on her back over the part of her combat outfit where a chute would be deployed from? And her fighting style seems incomplete as well. She rarely gets the chance to what?

Overall Total - 65 points

However, your bonus 10 points for it being your first competition and scoring less than 70 bump you up to 75 points.

SomeoneYouUsedToKnow with Cobalt Pyrite

1) Basic Info - 10 points Cobalt is also a shade of blue, and pyrite is also known as Fool’s Gold. For the CNR explanation part. Very interesting Faunus trait; I’m assuming the spines are flexible.

2) Appearance - 25 points …Even those with dwarfism should have a decent weight. You’re a full point under minimum healthy weight for their height on the BMI scale. Does he not wear a shirt underneath his jacket? Very interesting pyjamas though, that made me chuckle.

3) Characteristics - 28 points

Sucky backstory is sucky, though it makes sense given his stature and race combined with the location. But how did he feeds himself as a baby? Or was he abandoned as a toddler, at that age where they’re old enough to do things for themself sorta but the memory of their parents can still fade and disappear with time and lack of contact?

His luck sucks, but it’s believable in its sucking at least as is the development of the verbal and physical abuse. The repeating years is an intereating way to make him just a little bit older than everyone else that I haven’t really seen before.

Backstory - 18 points

His personality is great; very nicely detailed.

Personality - 10 points

4) Trivia - 5 points Relationships are good, and the note about ages is very handy.

5) Weapon - 8 points Interesting weapon. He could still use it as a club in melee, and he could catch weapons /attacks between each of the branches and either throw dust straight in his opponents face or try to disarm them using a common disarming technique which involves twisting a trapped weapon out of the opponent’s hands.

6) Semblance - 9 points …You could have put most of those notes in the active abilities section, which is what it is there for, instead of deleting it. As for the semblance itself…something about it bugs me, but I’ve seen semblances similar before that have gotten passes in the OC threads from more than just me.

7) Combat Info - 5 points It all checks out. The point about aura makes sense, since I see active aura use as a muscle; the more you use it, the stronger it gets and the more you can do with it before it gets exhausted.

Overall Total - 90 points

You don't get the bonus 10 points due to scoring over 70 on your own, even without you saying no thank you to them. Well done.

Next up, Phantomlink959 with Cloud Nimbus

(This time done by Vedran at Spirit’s request due to Phantom spacing and forgetting Spirit helped design the character)

1) Basic Info - 10 points ...great, now reading private investigator on an oc makes me nervous…everything checks out here btw.

2) Appearance - 26 points Very nice and well detailed outfit with great coloring, sort of wish you would have added an extra one there but the gadget section is nice

3) Characteristics - 26 points.

18 on backstory, although nothing wrong with it I am always uncomfortable with creating companies that work within the infrastructure of Vale, since we saw most of the action take place there...in this case I have to wonder why they didn’t investigate Roman after the Jewel heist OR while robbing the city blind of dust...granted you could have explained that in the backstory to tie loose ends...but you didn’t.

8 points on personality for the out of nowhere prankster side, granted she’s spoiled rotten but that hardly lends itself to becoming a prankster...and none of her teammates seem to either mention or mind it...overall a bit out of nowhere.

4) Trivia - 3 points Oh so that’s where the pranking side came from...could have been integrated better and I would have liked a note about her team relationship, at least the partner she got along with.

5) Weapon - 9 points. It’s feature confuses me slightly...I mean...will the bolts not detonate unless you pull the trigger in sword form?

6) Semblance - 8 points Not the most terribly exciting semblance but the dust interacting with her activation cue was a very cute touch that I approve of.

7) Combat Info - 5 points Everything checks out. Reading her combat section fixes my confusion with the weapon, but I’d rather I didn’t have to read another section to get this one.

8) Civilian Info - +2 You get 2 bonus points from her civilian life for expanding on her relationship with her brother and the note about her keen eye.

Overall Total: 89 points Arkantos95 with Gaiothe Glas

1) Basic Info - 10 points All sounds good. I’m curious as to where she got the nickname.

2) Appearance - 22 points Not sure the effect of her semblance counts as an aura effect. For the purpose of this section, aura effects is things like Jaune glowing when his aura was unlocked, Yang’s fire when she gets angry, or Ruby’s rose petals. Then the activation effect and the effect of the semblance itself are a different thing entirely; though the activation effect of the semblance can be the same as the aura effect, like Ruby’s rose petals are. Her physique matches her height and weight well, though I’m glad you stayed within the healthy weight range. Outfit is very plain and simple, and I sorta wish you’d added another in to make up for it. Even just her pjs would have sufficed. I’m left wondering how long the gown is, and what colour her sandals and choker are, and whether the gap you mention is a physical gap in a metal choker, or an empty gem setting designed to catch and release dust crystal with claw grasps.

3) Characteristics - 20 points

Fairly standard ‘child is molded by parents’ backstory, but it doesn’t have any glaring problems. At first I thought she was the founder of the Band, but a reread made me realise she joined it not created it, so a bit of a reword there could help. A mention of a few early missions and how she and her teammates became the well oiled fighting machine here would help though.

Backstory - 16 points

Personality is sort of stubby as well, with only two actual personality traits detailed. Is she headstrong, stubborn, independant, observant of personalmspace?

Personality - 5 points

4) Trivia - 3 points You’ve listed her relationships but not detailed anything that wasn’t in the backstory except the boyfriend thing.

5) Weapon - 7 points Nice way to integrate a megaphone into a weapon. Reminds me of the megaphone lance Phantom and I worked on together for a character. Though I do have to ask; is the receiver for the megaphone built into the hammerhead on the opposite side? And how does the dust from the crystals inserted in the handle travel to the megaphone speaker? Unless the handle is hollow, in which case a handle made from a pipe would probably work better and be easier to craft instead of hollowing a shaft.

6) Semblance - 7 points Activation cue is the aura effect from before; I mean, I guess it’s kind of obvious but an actual sound effect that isn’t in-universe like the sound cue for Emeralds semblance, or perhaps a visual cue like a shimmer in the air or her lips turning white or something would work better. Something people can point at and say ‘she’s not just shouting, she’s also using her semblance.’ Also, even when your mouth is covered you can still make noise and exhale through your nose, so that limitation doesn’t really work.

7) Combat Info - 3 points Landing strategy is fine, but the fighting style is a bit lacking. Is she a stationary fighter, or does she move around? Does she utilise her surroundings at all, like hitting enemies into walls or trees, or does she prefer to just beat them up?

Overall Total: 73 points

HookshotHotshot with Ceann Kelles

1) Basic Info - 10 points What’s Ceann mean? I’m curious. Not sure that the fur would grow back quite that quickly, but the trait itself is interesting. Though how one would shave that themselves is an interesting though I never had before. I mean, I’m flexible in the back and shoulders enough that there is literally not a single spot on my back I can’t scratch by myself, but I don’t know if I’d be able to shave a strip like that on my own back properly.

2) Appearance - 24 points No aura effect? Not even the bog-standard glow? His height and weight put him just in the chubby side of things, but the muscles bring it back in line so all is well. Nice, classic outfit, I like the pocket square tidbit as most people forget about them when putting a character in a suit. Each part is worth 2 points, outfit is worth 10 overall but only giving one outfit can impact your score (unless it's super fancy.

3) Characteristics - 26 points

Typical large family background, with the kid who wants to come out of his siblings shadows. It works, and I like the fact he actually started off legitimately instead of delving straight into the underworld side of things. And his age actually allows for a decent amount of time to have elapsed during his climb up the cooperate ladder twice. The wording around his former bosses death is a bit jarring, as one minute he’s slated to be next in line and suddenly he’s concerned because his boss died to bullets. A mention of the step between would be a good idea; receiving the call that his boss is dead and then growing concerned when he saw the body when the morgue called him to identify it.

Backstory - 17 points

Nice personality detailing, especially concerning those in different regards to him.

Personality - 9 points

4) Trivia - 2 points I would have liked some detailing on his old family and his former boss; even if he doesn’t keep in contact with them what does he think of them? And how did he view his old boss; simply as a means to an end, or was he closer to him than he intended to get? Plus some detail on his relationship with his friend, Ebon and the leader of the organisation would be good.

5) Weapon - 9 points When you say halves of the balisong becomes the barrel, do you mean the handle, which has two halves and fold around the knife when stored? Because at first I thought you meant the blade was also the barrel, which confused me as a .50 cal Desert Eagle wouldn’t fit through a knife blade. Good weapon, simple in concept but it works. Just need to clarify that point.

6) Semblance - 0 points

7) Combat Info - 3 points Well...I’m sure that’s a reason for not knowing a landing strategy, but even criminals like Roman and Neo seem to have them and I’m fairly certain neither of them went to combat school either. And his fighting style makes sense given his abilities.

8) Civilian Extension - Due to characterisation reason, semblance points are shifted to the civilian section - 6 points

Good note about his family, but an extension on his relationship with the members of the mob would have garnered you more points; does he respect them, does he belittle them, does he feel comfortable around them? And does he not even have a driver's license? That counts as a certification. The woodworking and stone working skills seem a bit random, as you didn’t really mention an interest in the backstory or personality either.

I got curious and looked up what Ceann meant on it’s own. His name just got epic.

ceann (Irish)

Origin & history

From Old Irish cenn, from Proto-Celtic *kʷenno-; compare Welsh pen, Breton penn. Hypothesis : Proto-Celtic *kʷenno- could be an evolution of Proto-Celtic *kʷer-nom => German Hirn => Latin cerebrum ("brain"). => Ancient Greek κρανίον (kranion, "skull").

Noun

anatomy - head

end, extremity

So his name basically means Head Cat. He is the Top Cat. =3 +1 bonus point for unintentional cleverness.

Overall Total: 81 points

VedranTheII with Diana Cicori

1) Basic Info - 10 points All looks good. No nickname, but this seems to be the contest for it lol.

2) Appearance - 25 points I’m not sure the aura effect should be a completely different colour to the aura colour like that. If it was a semblance effect then sure, as we have evidence that activation cues and effects can be a different colour to the aura, but nothing to suggest aura effects can be a different colour to the aura. Ruby’s petals are red, and so is her aura. Pear shaped with c-cup breasts...she’s got a big booty. Fancy outfit. What kind of jacket is it? Really like the image the reverse apron gives me though.

3) Characteristics - 22 points

Vedran, I expected you to know better. Blake told us the White Fang only turned violent around 5 years ago in v2. Her backstory works well with itself, though the culmination in her twin’s death was surprising and other than the timeline misplacement, there’s no problems I can see.

Backstory - 15 points

Only a short personality as well. But I see what you did there with her like and dislike of the colour purple, which was the colour of her brother’s hair.

Personality - 7 points

4) Trivia - 0 points Uhoh. You missed the relationships section. Whoops.

5) Weapon - 8 points I’m trying to imagine wielding this thing, and what I’m seeing is a bit ungainly due to the top part of the pool cue. It works as a weapon, but it seems to me like it’d be a bit awkward to actually wield.

6) Semblance - 10 points I recognise that semblance. Eh, it’s old enough that it doesn’t disobey rule 6, so no points lost for that. It’s a good semblance and I see no problems with it.

7) Combat Info - 4 points Not sure how bouncing works...unless she uses it like a pogo stick. Combat info is kind of short as well, but it all makes sense considering what her weapon and semblance are.

8) 'Civilian Info - Ahah. Here’s the relationships. Which are stubby...nothing on her brother, no workmates or friends, not even a lover? +2 for detailing something, I guess.

Oh. Ohhhhh. I get the last name. Tatl and Tael, who are fairies from LoZ, which were given to Kokiri children. Kokiri - Cicori. I see what you did there. Okay, +1 for clever naming as well.

Overall Total: 82 points

First place with 90 points: SomeoneYouUsedToKnow

Second place with 89 points: Phantomlink959

Third place with 87 points: Maki Kuronami

This was a close one. A bloody close one.