User blog:Mercen-X/I've been making myself depressed

Technically, I'm always depressed. I don't know if it's just the medication for my epilepsy which lists depression as a side effect. Maybe it's that my grandmother is in the hospital and my mother is terrified that she may soon pass away. Maybe it's the fact that multiple members of my family have committed suicide. Maybe it's just that I've experienced the deaths of so many people close to me in my 30 years. A contributing factor could be that a many of friends have been victims of molestation, rape, or general destroyed childhoods due to being from broken families and delving into sexual relationships too soon. It could be that my hero complex that began with the death of my brother has forced me to harbor guilt for all the people I've failed to protect, even the ones for whom there was nothing I ever could have done.

However, the most critical factor of why or how I've been making myself depressed is my concern for the future. I'm an introvert. After the death of my brother, I found it hard to try to maintain contact with any friends I had made and so today, none of them are around for me to socialize with. I see updates for them on facebook, but it's hard to get a sense that anyone really cares about anyone else when communicating through something artificial like the internet. The internet is just an excuse for people not to try. Why bother to pick up the phone, or write a letter, or pay someone a visit when they're just a button-click away? Of course, then I realize that many of "friends" actually find time to hang out with each other. But I cannot remember the last time any of my friends or family have made an equal effort to try to reach out to me as I have to them. What's more my ex-girlfriend uses and manipulates me. As I'm desperate for someone to need me, I give her what she wants. But I've been dwelling on just one thing lately and it's something that rears its ugly head every few years: who's gonna miss me when I'm gone?

Now I'm not suicidal. I don't plan to die anytime soon. The idea that few or no one will be affected by my death or sudden disappearance infuriates me more than it depresses me. But it does depress me when I think of the people who'll remember me: my parents and my 12-year-old cousin. And how I will be remembered? I haven't been able to accomplish any of my goals. Is that my fault? Yes. More or less. I procrastinate and I don't always go with my gut which has resulted that I've gotten screwed more times than I care to count. What are my goals? To become a writer, a novelist, a producer of games and shows based on my stories, and most of all, to become a husband and a father. One man's opinion is worth a dime a dozen but in mine my life is the definition of the phrase "epic fail." How much harder do I have to push before this wall caves in? How much farther do I have to go before I see something worth the walk? How dark will the night become?

Why do I feel like I am only ever "seen" when I'm online?