Board Thread:General Discussion/@comment-6863431-20150103062825/@comment-50.37.30.133-20150217170847

JayHart wrote: "He could tag her as a deserter." I believe you meant could not. It is also generally advisable to avoid using contractions out side of character thought or speech, so "could not" would be better than "couldn't" unless you are writing Adam's thoughts. If you are doing so, make it more clear. Same thing with "didn't." Also, slamming one's hand down would still hurt, but he might not feel it. So... Just the way I would have written it. Your flow is a little awkward and broken at times, and you need to be sure to re-read it yourself a couple of times at least prior to posting. You might also want to set the premise for the story a bit prior to the actual meat of the matter. You know, add something in there about what day it was, what year Blake is in at Beacon now, or maybe even what age your version of Adam is, since it would be a bit odd for my head-canon Adam, who is around 30 years old, to be engaged to someone who would have been maybe 16 at the time of her leaving the WF.
 * "Shaking his head as though breaking free of his thoughts, Adam looked back down to the diner. Dammit! They're gone! The pair had probably just gone back to Beacon, but it irked Adam that he had let his target escape his sight. Frustrated, the Faunus smashed his fist into the edge of the building top hard enough to bruise, but he hardly felt it. Nothing could hurt worse then his confusion toward his ex-partner.
 * But, why? Why had he not labeled her a traitor, and had her killed? Why had he not struck her down on the spot, for that matter? "

That's just my two cents.

The absolute best advice I can offer you is to slow down a bit when you write; you don't have to get your work posted up immediately, you know? Take your time to write it well and proof-read it. Thank you for all the advice. I will definitely take it into consideration. I usually do a couple proofreads, but I would like a beta for such purposes; I can catch spelling mistakes, but grammar is a little harder for me to get.

I've noticed that my flow is a little...choppy I guess would be the word. Trust me it's something I've been working on. A lot.

And as for Blake being engaged to Adam, think of it like this: they were partners in the WF for who knows how long. With that, comes an extreme level of trust; you have to trust who you're going into battle with.