Thread:CarusELumen/@comment-15108745-20130926222759/@comment-4123264-20131006063539

Yeah, I'm really sorry about that. Without a reminder in the corner of my screen, I'm hopeless with remembering what I did or didn't answer to.

So yeah, I do like the lyrics, & I'm simultaneously congratulating you on coming up with the alternate lines while kicking myself for not coming up with stuff that awesome in the first place. Seriously, I'm now officially asking your help for how to write the last verse in... however many weeks we've got now 'til Season 1 ends, I guess? (I'm hearing four from one person, ten from another, etc. Who knows how long this rap would be if this continues?!)

However, while rapping this out to myself, I notice that not every ending word seems to rhyme with the previous part, or at least has a rhyming flow that's confusing to put to. For example:

''Here's Blake Belladonna, black beauty fauna,

Weilding a sword that she just pistol whips...

Where's the matching word for "whips"? "Fauna" (Which we might have to change to Faunus soon enough) definitely doesn't fit that, as I'm guessing it's already made to go with "Belladonna", so... What?

Another one is the White lines:

''Here's Weiss Schnee; she's white, see, and all kinds of

''Icy. Singing of a mirror when a giant appears to

''Kill her and cleave her body in two, but she's ain't

Havin' any of that so what do she do?

I guess "to" rhymes with "do", but what about "of" and "ain't"? & while I didn't want to criticize changes to the original rap, why change out where "icy" is so there aren't three "-ee/y" rhymes in one line? Not to sound proud or big-headed, but I thought it was cool...

Then there's the original verse, which I really, really, REALLY like... except for the rhyming.

''So Ruby attends at last, our hero ascends fast

''To a position of great responsibility.

''Can she hold it fast? Of course! Do you think she's daft?

She's our one and only team leader Ruby!

Again, it's only with one part, specifically "responsibility" and "Ruby". I just... I can see how the first & third line work well, & I'm trying to hear it or say the remaining lyrics the right way, but I can't do it. (Plus, we used the "one and only" line for the chorus, remember?)

I'm pretty sure those are the only real problems I have with this so far, & I might have a few "solutions" if you don't want to edit them yourself, but I'll still use them in my primary recording.

Hmm? What's that? Oh, yeah, I just learned there's a Sound Recorder program on almost every computer, so I'm going to use metronomeonline.com (set on 80) &, of course, Jets by Bonobo tomorrow to show you guys my original thoughts on how my version would flow, as well as how I think you'd want your adaption to go.

WARNING: DO NOT LISTEN WITHOUT EARPLUGS, EARMUFFS, &/% HANDS OVER YOUR YEARS, AS MY VOICE WILL SHATTER EARDRUMS & WOW THERE'S A LOT "EAR"S IN THAT SENTENCE.

Anyways, hope you aren't offended by my meant-to-be-helpful nitpicks, & cross your fingers I can get something to you tomorrow, assuming I can find a site that would allow file downloads without email-trading.