Board Thread:General Discussion/@comment-30159794-20161115081536/@comment-30159794-20161115204052

SpiritedDreaming wrote: I like non-rhyming poetry, and I think this poem has an interesting message behind it about his state of mind after the death of their mother, but I think that a song should rhyme. The verses don't seem to follow a set beat either, instead changing how many syllables are in each line with each verse. While this can work in some cases, a slower song (like what the tone of this seems to suggest) usually contains a set number of beats per line: so each verse would be 5,6,5,4 in terms of syllables (just as an example).

Basically my suggestions are, if it's a slower song, make the lines rhyme (whether it follows an AABB pattern, or an ABCB pattern is up to you) and make each verse follows a set beat (make the lines have the same number of syllables between verses), with the chorus switching this up.

A bridge is not necessary, but they are usually either more upbeat or more somber than the rest of the song, and I think and upbeat bridge could do this one good by singing about his pride in the girls for how they've grown. You have sort of provided a bridge with the parenthesis lines, but to me they seem more like a secondary or alternate chorus.

Thanks for your criticisms and I'll try to make this better. That said, this is my first song every written and I am actually not that good at Rhyming or beats. So if I do try to improve this, it's going to be rather rough. I'll probably try an ABCB pattern as it gives me more freedom and alternate between ABCA and ABCB for the chorus. So let's see if I can re work this.