Board Thread:Off Topic/@comment-25396609-20160302042815/@comment-25396609-20160309191338

First off, Cyrania’s Kenneth Uaine

General Information: 6/10

I’m docking you three points because a name approximately meaning “green born of fire” is somewhat contradictory on a character not involving fire as a major element.

And docking one point for using the single most generically irish symbol of all time.

I would forgive you because of the sign of the trinity in the source, but this guy is based on the villain, not the hero of the story.

Appearance:

Definitely got the elf thing going on.

docking a point for spelling errors, (willowly and clapsed.)-1 point

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.95;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Using the word “azmanian” without context. should have gone with something which doesn’t require reading the backstory to understand immediately. -2 points

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.95;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">17/20

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.95;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">3) Characteristics:

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.95;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">•Background:

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.95;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">General grammar and spelling errors: -1 point

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.95;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">The Azma thing (FYI, can’t help but think Asthma, the lung condition) is banking REALLY heavily on the golden eyes. Problem is, eyes that could be considered “golden” are not particularly uncommon. also blatantly ripping off the silver eyed warriors. or at least feels like it to me. -1 point.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.95;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">“kid becomes obsessed with discovering lost civilization” cliche, +1 sin (-1 point)

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.95;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">So, he was some sort of socially awkward copycat? seems a bit weird, but acceptable. no reduction.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Love story feels kind of lazy and shoehorned in. -1 point

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">An irish twin is a sibling born within 12 months or one calendar year. thirteen months is neither of these things. -1 point.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Again with the golden eyes. You know who has golden eyes? Blake. -1 point.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Literally the only mention of him knowing how to ride a motorcycle to this point (or after). Also, fairly certain schools call parents first thing when something like that happens. Not to mention the white fang target MILITARY and INDUSTRIAL complexes, not schools. -3 points.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">You referred to a terrorist attack as a riot. this is not correct. -1 point.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">I’m going to need context on what sort of injury Flora experienced. In general, nothing that would cause you to lose your legs is going to result in trouble breathing, besides maybe spinal injuries, and if you suffer one of those unconscious with trouble breathing is the LEAST of your worries. -1 point for lack of context

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.95;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Roofying huntsman. Does that even work? I mean, Qrow can get drunk off his ass, but the minute he went into combat he was back to full capacity. no deduction, this is just something i am curious about in general.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Kenneth is trained as a huntsman. he would have worked alongside good, kind-hearted faunus. I don’t care how fucked up he was after the attack on his kids’ school, you don’t start hating EVERY FAUNUS ON THE PLANET because one radical hate group (that very specifically separate themselves from the general populace with evil masks and uniforms) hurt his kids, particularly when you have worked alongside the not-evil ones in the past. -1 points

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.95;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">•Personality:

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.95;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">I feel like the whole “revenge against all faunus” thing would be more reasonable if one of the kids had died. Like, okay a terrorist group crippled your kid, at least they survived. It’s not like some random faunus group unaffiliated with the white fang attacked and killed everyone because they could. as it is, he has sworn vengeance against a species for the actions of a highly specific group that most members of the species hate as much as he does, with minimal long-term consequences.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.95;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">-1 point

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.95;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">rant time over. so is he forcing faunus to help him excavate the site? okay then. that… doesn’t make much sense. anyone skilled enough to excavate could PROBABLY build a boat  and sail away to safety. hell, they even have huntsman, no need to worry about being attacked on the way. Why not just hire people under the guise of an archeological expedition and not need to worry about people noticing a bunch of people are missing and tracing it back to him? He’s even got a fracking archeological degree, nobody would question it.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.95;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">-2 point

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.95;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">4) Trivia:

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.95;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">•Relationships:

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">I am docking one point because they were all in one giant block instead of being divided up to read easily.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Notes:

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.95;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">I definitely see a few elements from the story, so i’ll give back a few points. +5 points

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.95;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Subtotal: 10/20 points.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.95;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">I)Weapon

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.95;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">-1 point for spelling errors

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.95;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">-1 point for saying explode when you clearly mean detonate

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.95;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">-1 point because the forms are clustered together instead of being seperate and easily read

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.95;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">A parrying dagger is used alongside a sword. having them be the same item means you have to wait for it to transform after parrying before you can attack. That’s going to get you killed. -5 points  for being horribly thought out.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.95;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Subtotal: 7/15

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.95;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">II) Semblance

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Constructs constructs is redundant. should have gone with “builds” or “generates.”

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">-1 point

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">what do you mean by “constructs out of life”? -1 point depending on the answer.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Black feathers constantly falling around these things seems like a pretty massive giveaway that something is wrong. specify how long they last. -1 point

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Okay, these are clearly illusions, not constructs. Hell, you seem to be using illusion and construct interchangeably. -3 points

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Hell, these aren’t even illusions, they’re clearly holographic. -1 point

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">For tier 3, How many is multiple? -1 point for severe ambiguity.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Dust interactions should be separated for ease of reading. -1 point.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">“watery dissipation” doesn’t make much sense. -1 point.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.95;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Ventriloquism is a good skill in general. +1 point

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.95;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Subtotal: 7/15

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.95;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">III) Combat info:

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.95;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">-1 point for spelling errors, otherwise seems solid.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.95;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Subtotal: 9/10

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.95;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Total score:  56/100

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.95;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">I honestly feel like maybe I’m being too harsh, so i’ll bump you up to an even 60.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.95;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">final score: 60/100

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.95;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:16px;font-family:Arial;color:#0047ab;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">--