Board Thread:Off Topic/@comment-26397825-20161205132101/@comment-25396609-20170113034348

-Background: Jean Talon lived a fairly standard Faunus life with her mother, Amy, Luna, Talon, her father, Sol Talon, who taught her a great deal of her natural musical talent, and childhood friend, Sean Schatten. Are Amy and Luna different people, or is her mother's name Amy Luna Talon? You're kinda abusing the comma key here, Kirito.

Related, Why do you pause to explain her relationship with her father but delay doing so for all of the other characters? (actually, you don't even do that much for others) The cluttered information like that is something I've noticed you do a lot. You should spend more time proofreading.

She got bullied from time to time, but she was generally treated fairly among the other residents of ‘Lichtblick’ (German for ‘Ray of Hope’) and didn’t let the occasional bullying get in her way. Bullying is... not usually a "time to time" thing, if she lives in a small village she would be around the same people with the same attitude and it would be a regular thing. As it didn't have any impact on her you might be better off eliminating the bullying entirely; right now it's mostly just a token mention.

In fact, she had actually gone fist to fist with one of such bullies, and won thanks to her superior agility and small size. This is the same instant in which she met her new best friend, Sean Schatten. He was originally the one being bullied in the first place. This entire paragraphneeds to be rewritten, it's pretty jumbled up. If Sean Schatten being bullied was the cause of the fight, that should be the first thing mentioned; being small and agile doesn't do any good in a fight unless you know what you're doing, how to dodge effectively, and up to this point she has had no training and seems like she didn't fight back against bullies enough to learn over time.

Darn near got his eye knocked out from what I hear. This is some REALLY weird perspective; is someone supposed to be narrating?

Despite what you might think, she did NOT spend all her time at home. Actually, she spent a good deal visiting her cousin, Nella Eguzki, in the village north of her called, ‘Blossom’. Most of what she and er cousin did together was practicing their natural musical talent and reading story books like, These things should be mentioned much earlier or else they feel crammed in; there's no rhyme or reason to the order you are delivering information.

The Tale of the Seasons, Little Red Riding Hood, The Two Brothers, and Jean’s personal favorite, Tales of Beatle the Bard. I see... what I assume is the four maidens, the real-life story Ruby is based on, an obscure german fairy tale, and... a defictionalized in-universe book from the Harry Potter series. What purpose does name dropping these serve? Details are good, but these are just superfluous.

Once Jean was old enough, experiences enough, and rebellious enough to leave home, she spent a great deal of time wandering two of the four Kingdoms, Mistral and Vale. She has always been one for action and adventure, and she thought being a Huntress was just the thing to meet her needs for adrenaline. How, might I ask, did she pay for this intercontinental wandering? She wasn't combat trained at this point and the way it's written implies she was alone. She wouldn't have survived half a year, assuming she could afford to travel in the first place.

After graduating Sanctum Academy, she moved on to Beacon, where she passed initiation, and was placed into Team STRR. When was she attending classes at Sanctum, and how did she do so while playing nomad? Logic, man.

Since the attack on Beacon, and learning of her cousin’s dismemberment via ‘loss pos arm’, her persona has become a bit more serious, focused, defensive, and paranoid than her earlier years, and she has adopted a habit of ‘place a pad before you jump’. When was her cousin dismembered, and by what? I see a single passing mention when she was a kid, before she starting traveling the world under impossible circumstances, so why did it have such a major impact on her personality?

-Personality: rebellious, playful, teasing, adventurous, friendly, competitive, headstrong, flirtatious, mischievous, cheeky, arrogant, daring, tomboyish, protective, hot headed, well focused, rambunctious, ‘Chaotic Good’, Think Nora+Yang(Vol. 1-3) Once again, just listing off traits; not actually describing her personality or interest. You do this quite a lot.

She has been described as ‘the type who would tackle someone into a pool to teach them how to swim’. Before you ask, yes, she has literally done that before. To who and when? Still pretty much quoting how Yang's personality was describe by her VA, by the way.

She’s a very loyal friend who, although cheeky and rambunctious, will stand by your side to the end and beyond. She isn’t too drawn to authoritarians or people who try to forcibly impose their will on her, and only really pays attention to what’s going on if she’s interested. She’s quite friendly to most, but don’t piss her off, or it might just be the last thing you ever do. This was looking good until you decided to end it by implying she would kill some random person for getting on her nerves. That's the kind of thing we mean when we mention a character being needlessly edgy.

Moving down a ways... you literally never mention her boyfriend, at all, outside of relationships. He pretty much doesn't exist. You make no mention of things that happen WHILE she is on team STRR, and make multiple major jumps without any mention of what is happening to her.