Board Thread:Off Topic/@comment-25396609-20180128214516/@comment-25396609-20180220210358

Our fourth contestant is HookshotHotshot with Leah Glynn.

1) Basic info:

Things look good up until the occupation. I honestly don’t think Vacuo would HAVE a primary Combat School, given how decentralized the Kingdom as a whole seems to be.

Score: 9/10

2) Appearance:

There’s a pretty good range of skin tones in the caucasian racial group, so going to dock a point for being too vague.

Hair could use more details as well, hard to picture. Even worn down there’s a number of possible hair styles.

Outfit is basic but effective; doesn’t always gotta be fancy.

Does a dagger count as a gadget? Not removing points, just making me think about the definition of gadget.

Score: 13/15

3) Characteristics

Background:

Information of any kind on her dad would be much appreciated, even if she never knew her father it would still be good to at least know his name.

How big of a grocery store are we talking? If she was the manager but not owner pretty sure she wouldn’t be legally able to have a young child working to help stock shelves. Losing point for vagueness.

Vacuo, not Vacuou. Not enough to lose points but the misspelling bothers me.

If Ayame’s father-in-law was were willing to take in her daughter, why wouldn’t they be willing to give Ayame a bit of money to help her out financially?

Ah, he distanced himself after Leah’s dad died. But… why? Wouldn’t he want to be part of his granddaughter’s life? Collis obviously cared about his son, but not enough to want to be involved with his family after the death?

…………….no. Even a small amount of Dust can be wildly explosive, and this kid was deliberately setting off pieces of it just to see what would happen?

How did she not burn the house down or get herself seriously injured?

Or even mildly injured, apparently. Because children NEVER get hurt because they’re doing stupid things while unsupervised.

What, exactly, was Collis impressed by? Leah’s sheer dumb luck in not getting herself killed playing with explosives? Because she obviously wasn’t showing any sort of skill which a teacher would find unbelievable; just fucking around with some spare bits of Dust and got lucky.

Okay, pause. Dust control requires AURA to use. She did not have her Aura unlocked at the time she was playing with the stuff, meaning she would not be able to perform any sort of controlled hovering or flight just by playing with it.

I could accept her being a prodigy with Dust manipulation, IF she was only able to do it after starting her training; because direct manipulation of Dust very specifically requires Aura. Without having Aura skills to control it, Dust is effectively elementalized explosives.

Everything after this is pretty much standard issue and would work a lot better if the previous sections had some form of underlying logic.

Overall, the backstory just comes off as a fairly meaningless “how to get from Point-A to Point-B” type of story. It’s not bad, per se, but it’s very flat.

Personality:

Personality feels flat, but is consistent with backstory.

Score: 18/40 (Score is higher in this area to reflect absence of weapon) 4) Trivia:

Relationships:

A lot of the details about her interactions with her mom would be better suited to filling out the backstory (which feels very flat right now)

The description of her relationship with her grandpa is a bit better, serving as a summary of things outlined in the backstory proper.

Who are Rowan and Chryssa? Characters not even given passing mention in backstory ARE a bad thing. I skimmed a wiki page about Nino, looks like you took a few cues from the character but didn’t overuse her allusion.

Score: 4/5

4) Huntsmen stuff: Weapon:

I don’t see why you couldn’t just give her a Dust channeling dagger… I said distributed the points for this category between background and fighting style, but looking at the character I really feel like you would have been better served giving her a Dust-based weapon like Myrtenaster; or, heck, even something like Leo’s shield since she focuses on Dust spells and doesn’t rely on her Semblance.

Semblance:

That is…. A very weird Semblance. Point for being unique.

Score: 15/15

Combat info:

Boring, not very informative, not what I meant when I said put extra effort into combat info to compensate for lack of weapon, as there’s barely anything here at all.

Score: 5/10

I) Civilian stuff:

No score recovery.

Total score: 64