Board Thread:Off Topic/@comment-25396609-20161001000406/@comment-25396609-20161013041319

Fifth entry: Alyssa Jade Laverne by Apholki Inika

1) Basic info

Subtotal: 10/10

2) Appearance:

-Aura Color: Wine-red

-Aura effects: Currents of a wine-red energy flowing from her body

-Height: 5'6"

-Weight: 145

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">-Eyes: Jade

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">-Skin Color: Pale-white

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">-Face: Heart-shaped

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">-Hair: Auburn, mid-back length.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">-Physique: A trimmed curverture, adverge shoulder broadeth.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">What in the world does that even mean?: -1 point for unreadable typo density

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">-Outfit: Lavender sundress, with vine-like designs in oxblood around it. A white belt is tied above her waist, while her sandels are saddle brown. She often uses an oxlood lipstick for this attire, occasionally throwing in a sunhat. Her symbol is on the back of her dress, between the shoulderblades.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Other than making note of the fact that she wears a sun dress with no pants or other stuff to prevent upskirts while in combat, nothing else for appearance.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Subtotal: 19/20

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">3) Characteristics:

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">-Background:

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">That is the most convenient plot earthquake ever, of all time: -2 points

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Standard issue lack of details: -1 point

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">How old was she, exactly, when all this happened? -1 point for like of time frame and ages

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">And you don’t even seem to know how long these things took or how old she was: -2 points for lazy writing

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Who was the other kid? Why them specifically?: -2 points

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Two paragraphs or so (in wall form) to give maybe two sentences worth of useful information on her personality: -2 points for rambling

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Nothing damning or redeeming in likes/dislikes: no change

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Subtotal: 10/20

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">4) Trivia:

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">-Notable Relationships:

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Let me see, how many characters appear here who were never even mentioned in backstory: -2 points

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">I really feel like you should have mentioned this adopted brother of hers (and all the other characters) in proper detail in the backstory: -1 point for poor information management

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">No mention of her birth parents whatsoever: -1 point

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Subtotal: 6/10

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">5) Huntress Extension:

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">I) Weapon:

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Rather than break this one up into individual notes: you gave a character raised by huntsman a very very very slightly modified store bought weapon, which does not tie into her character basis or story allusion. Her personality does not explain why she would use a weapon like this, and you make no mention of her adoptive parents being influences on it so i can’t even assume she based it on one of theirs: -10 points

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Also, you added a :P face: -1 point because i take weapons deadly serious

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Subtotal: 4/15

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">II) Semblance:

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Name: Levitation

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Wrong semblance type for what it does: -1 point

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Half the general limitations sounds like continuous afterthoughts: -1 point

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">How does it tie into her personality, exactly?: -1 point

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">That’s not inspiration for the semblance, it is literally a straight clone of the ability. I love Bionicle (and Bioshock Infinite), but lazy is lazy: -5 points

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Subtotal: 7/15

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">III) Combat Info:

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">-Landing Strategy:

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Eh, basic but functional.

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">-Fighting Style:

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">So she’s headstrong now? Since when? I thought she was energetic but recovering from depression?: -1 point for inconsistency

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Strafing =/= dancing, especially since you have made no mentions of her being especially nimble or fleet-footed: -1 point

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">If you want her to use light attacks, why give her a marksman’s rifle and an executioner’s axe, weapons designed to quickly and cleanly kill enemies in the fewest blows possible?: -1 point

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Subtotal: 7/10

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Civilian Extension (Optional)

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">-Expanded Occupation/Business Details:

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">I would give some points back for that, but it really should have been used to beef up the backstory itself: no change

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">-Skills:

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Orphanage had turtles, okay… but why did she treat the other kids instead of, I don’t know, a doctor?: no change

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Total: 63

<p dir="ltr" style="line-height:1.38;margin-top:0pt;margin-bottom:0pt;"><span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Point adjustment:

<span style="font-size:14.666666666666666px;font-family:Arial;color:#cccccc;font-weight:400;font-style:normal;font-variant:normal;text-decoration:none;vertical-align:baseline;">Final score: 63